How Clear and Loving Boundaries Prevent Power Struggles (and result in greater cooperation, less stress and more joy!)
This blog is a follow up to The #1 Cause of Conflict with Your Child: Trying to Control Them, that addresses how trying to control your child—to get them to either start doing something or to stop doing something—begets persistent power struggles and makes it less likely that your child will change their mind or behavior.
And, how setting clear boundaries, instead of nagging, bribing, threatening, yelling, coaxing, and even gamifying, results in greater cooperation, less stress, and more joy in families.
Many readers wanted more ideas about what a boundary might be in situations in which you aren’t able to, for example: physically move your child out the door to get to school on time; get them to do a chore; brush their teeth; make them keep their seatbelt on, and the like.
Below you will find several examples of ways I have helped parents stay in charge in a loving, positive way while effectively helping their children learn to make better decisions in these tricky situations. As always, I am not suggesting that these are fail-safe strategies that will work for every child. I offer these examples to give you ideas for how you might apply a similar process and adapt the strategies to your own, unique child and family.
The Cases
You will see in each of these scenarios that there are two key factors that lead to success:
1) Parents stop nagging, cajoling, bribing, threatening their child to try to get them to “behave”—to stop or start doing the thing. For most kids, that’s just fodder for a fight, especially for the fierce kids who are eager for the battle, as perverse as that may sound. They gain a lot of power from controlling the situation with their refusals to comply. Once parents acknowledge that they can’t make their child do the thing, and tell their child they are not going to try to control them or convince them to make a better choice, it deflates the power of the child’s defiance.
2) Parents clearly and calmly impose a natural consequence for whatever choice the child makes so they learn through experience, not by punishment or shaming. It might be missing out on a fun activity because they weren’t ready in time, or having less time for an “extra,” like screen time, because they chose not to do their job and you had to do it for them.
Don't be dissuaded by your child’s indifference to the natural consequence. They may act like they couldn't care less about the consequence: “I didn’t want to watch that show anyway.” They usually do care, they just don’t want you to think they care. They want to make you feel impotent so that they maintain all the power. I know, that sounds sociopathic. It’s not. Some kids are just heat-seeking missiles for power and control. They are amazing humans with incredible persistence that will serve them well in the long run. But at this formative stage, it’s our job to be sure their efforts to avoid doing important tasks/responsibilities aren’t successful; meaning, they don’t get a big reaction/a lot of attention or result in their being in charge.
As you read these cases, and come up with your own plan, it can be very helpful to ask yourself, “What’s the alternative?”
As a mental health professional, I never imagined I would be suggesting to parents that they, for example, hold their child to brush their teeth. In theory, it seems authoritarian and harsh—anything but gentle. Then I found myself in the reality of the trenches with families and had to figure out how to help them stop these battles that were plaguing them and having a very negative effect on their relationships with their kids. Now I see these strategies as loving and “gentle,” because parents are no longer angry at their kids all the time for not cooperating and they feel more confident about ensuring their children’s health and well-being.
Case in point, right as I was about to publish this blog, I received the following comment on a recent IG post in my series, “Boundaries, Not Battles.”
“We used this approach with a course of antibiotics. (My son) had to take it 3 times a day! No amount of negotiation or bribery worked. He had built up in his head that it was some awful thing. We had to hold him down twice. It made me and him cry. It felt horrible. But by the third dose on the first day, he was less upset and saw that he could tolerate it. By the middle of the second day, he was taking it independently and was so proud of himself.”
Adam (7) Refusing to go to School on Time
Carla is a single mom by choice. She has big battles with her son, Adam, every morning about getting ready for school on time. If he’s late, he misses the bus and she has to drive him, which makes her late to work and adds a lot of stress and hassle to her day. She can’t physically get him out the door—he’s too big. She knows this is a very unhealthy situation on many levels, but she doesn’t know how to get him to cooperate and respect her authority.
The Redo
Carla explains: Adam, I know getting ready in the morning can be hard. I feel you. At the same time, it’s important that you get to school on time. I love you so much, I’m not going to fight with you anymore about this. Here’s what you can expect, how I’m going to support you: I will do my jobs, which are to have breakfast on the table by 7 am so you can fill your belly at any point before the bus comes, if you choose to do so; and, at 8 am I will be at the front door ready to walk you to the bus stop. I’m not going to nag, bribe, threaten, or yell to try to get you to leave on time. Your two choices will be:
Option 1: You make the bus. You won’t be late for school, and I won’t be late to work, which means when you get home, both of us will have more time to play. We can do something together, like kick the soccer ball around before dinner, and even watch a video of Pokemon competitions (Adam’s current obsession) before bed because neither of us will have work to make up.
Option 2: You miss the bus and I have to drive you to school. In that case, your teacher and I have made a plan because we are “Team Adam.” We both care deeply about you and want to be sure your brain grows as strong as possible. When you’re late to school, you miss classwork. So, on days you are late, she will email me with make-up work that has to be done when you get home from school, before there is any play or screen time. I also won’t have as much time to play with you because I will have to make up the work I missed because I arrived late to work.
The Outcome
The first morning of the new plan, Carla put a visual timer by the front door so Adam could clearly track the time. She set an alarm for 7:55 so he would have a warning, and then the final alarm at 8. When the first alarm sounded, at 7:55, Carla stood quietly by the front door. Adam looked at her and then, with a mischievous grin, started to play with his Legos. He kept glancing at her to see if she was going to react. Silence. Adam upped the ante, trying to provoke Carla. She remained a rock. When the final alarm went off at 8, Adam raced to the front door and made it to the bus on time.
Note that this is an outcome that families often experience—they don’t even need to implement the natural consequence. The impact of just not reacting, not giving the child fodder for a fight, results in the child choosing to cooperate.
Logan (8) Refuses to Throw Away His Trash
Logan consistently leaves the wrapper of his breakfast bar on the table. He refuses to throw it in the trash, which is his parents’ rule/expectation. They have been getting into maddening battles over this simple task. (What’s wrong with you? It takes 3 seconds!!—which, by the way, is a great example of how the defiance often isn’t even about the task itself—it’s about power.)
The Redo
In a quiet moment, not in the middle of a battle, dad shares this story with Logan. “At my job, I am supposed to start working at 9 a.m. Then I get to take a lunch break around noon with my friends, which I really look forward to. But one morning, when I turned on my computer, I got distracted and played a game for 30 minutes. I didn’t start doing my job until 9:30. When lunchtime came, my boss told me I couldn’t go out, I had to work while eating at my desk because I had to make up that 30 minutes. I was so disappointed at missing lunch with my friends, so I never did that again!
At home, we also have jobs and responsibilities, including throwing away our trash. We know that we can’t make you do it, and we love you so much, we aren’t going to fight with you about it anymore. But in our family, just like at work, jobs come before “extras,” like screen time. So here is the new plan; we want you to know what to expect so you can make the best decision for yourself.
Option #1: You throw the wrapper in the garbage and help keep our home clean and pleasant.
Option #2: You choose not to throw your trash away, which means we will have to do your job, and you will have 10 less minutes of screen time. It's up to you to decide which choice is better for you: throw away your trash and have your screen time; don’t throw away your trash and lose screen time. You decide."
The Outcome
As expected, Logan tested. He dropped the wrapper and looked at them with that mischievous, taunting grin. They didn’t react with corrections, nagging or shaming. Silently, dad picked up the wrapper, threw it away without a word. That evening. when they reduced Logan’s screen time—he didn’t have time to finish a full show—he flipped out and they tolerated it: “I know you’re disappointed you don’t have time to watch the whole show. Tomorrow you can make a different decision and get your full screen time. It’s totally up to you.” The next day Logan was throwing away his trash.
Molly (8) Unbuckles Her Seat Belt
Molly is a fierce kid who loves to be provocative—to push people’s, especially her mom’s, buttons when she doesn’t get something she wants. She has found that unfastening her seatbelt is a slam-dunk. That really yanks mom’s chain. Lauren feels completely stuck about how to handle this. She is very angry at Molly for manipulating her and being so devious. It is taking a terrible toll on their relationship.
The Redo
In a quiet moment, Lauren tells Molly that keeping the seatbelt on is a "have-to;” she loves Molly so much and needs to keep her safe, and they can't drive without her buckled in. Lauren acknowledges that she can't make Molly cooperate with this rule, as she can't be in the back seat to ensure she stays buckled. So, here are Molly’s two great choices:
Option #1: Keep the seatbelt fastened, which means Molly will have more time to play at home before dinner because they will get home in time.
Option #2: Molly unbuckles her belt and mom can’t drive; she has to pull over somewhere safe. Whatever amount of time mom has to wait for Molly to get buckled gets taken away from playtime before bed as they will be arriving home later than expected.
The Outcome
A few days later, when Lauren picks Molly up from school, Molly asks to get frozen yogurt on the way home. Lauren explains that they can’t do that, as they have to be in time to pick up her little brother, and then they have to get home for dinner. She suggests they plan to have that treat on the weekend.
Molly persists, not accepting “no” for an answer, and takes off her seatbelt. Lauren pulls over and doesn’t say a word. She puts on a timer that Molly can see. Molly gets very silly, trying to provoke a reaction. She starts crawling around the back seat, and in a singsong voice, says, “Mommy, my belt is off.” Lauren doesn’t react. After five minutes, when Molly sees that Lauren isn’t taking any of the bait, and is sticking to the plan she had laid out, Molly gets buckled back in.
After dinner, Lauren starts the bath/bedtime routine—no playtime. Molly begs, “Mommy, I will never ever take my seatbelt off again.” Lauren matter-of-factly responds: “That would be a good choice to make in the future, because then you’d have your playtime. But tonight we don’t have time because we had to pull over.” Molly tries all the things to derail Lauren from sticking to this limit, including this very clever move: “I was going to use that playtime to work on my reading. But I guess I can’t do that now.” But Lauren knows not to take this bait and stays the course. It was a hard evening to get through, but Lauren stuck to the plan. And that was the last time Molly took off her seatbelt.
Theo (5) and Toothbrushing Refusal
Theo resists tooth-brushing. No amount of nagging, pleading or gamifying has worked. His parents, Jenna and Phil are at their wits end and worried about his teeth.
Then they switch course. They stop trying to convince Theo to do the task and instead, set the following boundary.
The Redo
Jenna and Phil start by explaining that toothbrushing is a “have-to” because it’s about health. They love him so much, they aren’t going to fight with him anymore. So, he has two great choices:
Option 1: He can choose to brush on his own, which saves time, and means they can add another book at bedtime (something he cares a lot about.) This is not bribery/reward. It’s how the world works. You do your job and you get more time for “extras.”
Option 2: He won’t brush his teeth. In that case they will have to do his job for him, which may feel very uncomfortable but because they love him and want him to have strong teeth, this is what they will do. And no time for extra book.
The Outcome
When Theo resists, one parent holds him in a bear hug while the other does (a perfunctory) brushing. The goal is not to get his teeth sparkling clean, it’s to show him they are not going to be scared off by him, they’re going to follow through to ensure his health. They stay as calm as they can so as not to add any fuel to the fire. They don’t say a word about his lack of cooperation and don’t do any correcting/schooling/shaming.They know the limit is the lesson.
The next day, Theo starts brushing his teeth. The combo of no fighting to try to control him, plus the discomfort of having them do it for him, provided the motivation to make a different (healthier) choice.
Here’s another option that has worked for older kids whom you can’t or don’t feel comfortable physically containing to get the job done. You explain to your child that sugar staying on teeth weakens them. So, if they choose not to brush, you can’t let them have foods with sugar. (You show them lots of food labels so they can see all the foods that contain sugar.)
If they brush, they can have foods with sugar (of course within whatever limits you might set on sweets—not opening up that pandora’s box here!)
Maeve (5) Refusing to Get Dressed in the Morning
Charles and Drew are ensconced in battles with their daughter, Maeve, every morning about getting dressed. They have resorted to bribery—allowing her to watch a show—to get her to cooperate, which sometimes works. But they don’t feel good about setting this precedent and the message they’re sending, especially because Maeve has started “extorting” them when she knows they really want her to do something, i.e., “I’ll put my dishes in the sink if you let me have an extra cookie.”
The Redo
Charles and Drew tell Maeve: We love you so much we aren’t going to fight with you anymore about getting dressed. It’s your job, but we know we can’t make you agree to do it. Our job is to be sure we get you to school on time and that we get to work on time. So, here’s the new plan; and what’s so great is that you’re the decider—it’s all up to you.
We are going to leave no matter what at 8:30 every morning. We will use a timer so you can always see how much time you have before it’s time to leave. Here are your two great choices:
Option #1: You’re dressed by the time the timer goes off at 8:30. That’s a good option if you want to be in the clothes you want to wear to school. That’s the option we choose, because we don’t feel comfortable working in our pjs. But that’s us—you’re your own person and you may feel differently. (They know Maeve would not want to go to Kindergarten in her pajamas.)
Option #2: You aren’t dressed in your school clothes at 8:30, so you’ll go to school in your pjs. We will put a set of school clothes in your backpack and you can change any time at school.
Outcome
The next morning, Maeve tests and is not dressed at 8:30. They have to move her into the car kicking and screaming, which is very hard. But her dads stay the course. They don’t lecture her, ala, “It’s your fault you didn’t get dressed in time.” They just remain a quiet presence, following through on the plan exactly as they had laid it out. When they get to the school parking lot, she asks if she can change in the car—of course. And that is the end of the dressing battles, which is life-changing in the most positive way for all.
Note that many of my families have used this strategy very successfully with different outcomes and iterations. Some kids, when the timer goes off and they see their parents are prepared to take them to school, ask if they can change, which of course we want to support. So it can be helpful to offer a 5 minute grace period after the buzzer. But it only works if you stick to that or else 5 minutes quickly becomes, 10, 15…
In one case, the child liked wearing pjs, so there was no incentive to get dressed. When she showed up in the classroom, the brilliant teacher told her in the most matter-of-fact, non-shaming tone: “We wear school clothes at school,” and guided the child to the bathroom where she changed. And that was the end of those dressing battles. (It never ceases to amaze me how kids react so differently to their teachers than their parents!)
What about when natural consequences don’t work; when they don’t motivate my child to make a better choice?
At the end of the day,whether the natural consequence works or not, the most important factor is that you hold the boundary—the one thing you do control.
Take the case of Ari (6), who was coming in and out of his room for hours after lights-out. His parents, Jen and Arash, told him that every time he got out of bed would mean less time in the morning for them to read with him before school (a favorite activity) because everyone would be too tired. This natural consequence made no difference.
So we pivoted. Jen and Arash put a boundary on his door that would ensure he stayed in his room one way or the other. Ari screamed and protested for up to 15 minutes every night into week two. Jen and Arash were ready to give up, thinking this was harmful to him and that the plan wasn’t “working.” But we asked ourselves what the alternative was: going back to the battles and everyone’s sleep being disrupted? And the fact was that after Ari fell asleep, he slept through the night and was happy in the morning. So they stayed the course and after about a month, he stopped screaming and just went to sleep. Life-changing for everyone.
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