Decoding Children's Behavior: Key insights from the parenting trenches
What I love about my work, in addition to helping parents find more calm and joy in parenting their little ones, is that at almost 59 years old, and after more than three-and-a-half decades in the early childhood field, I never stop learning. Kids are a puzzle, so every time I collaborate with parents to do the detective work to decode the meaning of their child's behavior, I gain new insights.
This blog is devoted to sharing some of the "aha's" that I have had over the years that have enabled me to help parents unlock the key to understanding and responding more sensitively and effectively to their children.
1. Why some kids have incredible memories. Many parents report that their children have crazy, sharp memories. They tell the story of even two- and three-year-olds recalling things like: exactly where to find their favorite cereal in the grocery store; what color shirt the man who came to the door three weeks ago to drop off a package was wearing; or, calling you out for skipping a page, or even a word, in a book.
The insight: I have come to understand that this is in some way a coping mechanism, especially for highly sensitive kids who are keenly tuned into the world around them and get overwhelmed by all they are processing. Recalling details of their experiences, especially those that are emotionally charged, helps them feel in control of their world--to know exactly what to expect. Information is power. Think of how fiercely we, as adults, rely on what we recall from past experiences to make sense of the world. Read more about understanding and supporting highly sensitive children.
2. Why some kids become very rigid about routines and rituals. Many parents have reached out for help recently because their children have become increasingly dependent on rigid routines: having their blankets on just so; doing tasks in a specified order; or, mom and dad having to say goodnight in a very precise way, with a specific intonation that is hard to always get right!
The insight: The more out of control children feel on the inside, the more fiercely they need to control things on the outside. Rituals are coping mechanisms that impose order, which is exactly what these kids are seeking. The uptick in this kind of behavior is no surprise given the myriad changes wrought by the pandemic that are persisting. Families and kids are experiencing next-level stress. Here are ways to help kids become more flexible. If the need for rituals/routines and having such rigid expectations are interfering in your child's or family's functioning, I suggest seeking help from a child development expert.
3. Why some kids are picky eaters. I work with a lot of families with discriminating (aka "picky") eaters. Sometimes the cause is sensory-based; the child has an aversion to certain smells, textures or the way some foods look. But for many kids, the resistance to trying new things is a control issue. They want to stick with what they know and are anxious about trying foods that are unfamiliar. By the time parents seek my help, mealtimes have become fraught with tension.
The insight: Many of these children have developed a negative association with sitting down at the table to eat. They approach mealtimes in defensive-mode, ready for a food fight. The key is to change that association. One way to do this is to make food fun, which starts with removing the expectation that your child has to eat, which provides the fodder for the fight.
One very cool strategy for making food fun comes from a mom, "Audra", who shared this story: Her four-year-old is a very picky eater. There are about 20 foods he will consistently eat. He refuses to try anything new. One day a package arrived—a gift from a friend. It was a food-of-the-month club that sends a food from somewhere around the world. It includes a survey to complete and send back with her feedback on that month’s offering. Audra's son LOVED the idea that his mom was in charge of rating the foods. He wanted to join in. He started taste-testing all sorts of exotic items he never would have even looked at had they been offered at the dinner table, and was eager to weigh in with his input on the survey. Audra cleverly took it one step further and suggested he continue being a taste-tester and rate all sorts of foods he had previously refused to try. This has resulted in a significant change in his willingness to try and his enjoyment of new foods. Read more about ending mealtime maddness and helping children enjoy more foods.
5. Why kids protest going to school. Every week I talk to parents who lament that their kids protest going to school. Sometimes it’s a child who has just started a new school/camp; sometimes the child has been attending for a long time. By and large, what we ultimately discover is that school is not the problem. The teacher reports their child is adjusting well and is happy and thriving.
The insight: It is the transition that is tricky for kids. That is what they are having trouble with and resisting, not their experience in the classroom. (Even kids who love school and have been going for a long time may still struggle with the daily transition.) This dynamic is true for many activities. The child resists going to: the pool, karate, soccer, a birthday party; but once there, they have a blast. So while your knee-jerk reaction might be to go down the rabbit hole of trying to cheerlead and convince your child to want to or agree to go to school, these are rarely effective strategies. In fact, they can have the opposite effect, derailing your child and resulting in further dysregulation.
Once you have confirmed with the teacher that your child is happy and engaged at school, what your child needs is for you to acknowledge his feelings ("I understand; there are many days I don't feel like doing my job either") while being clear that school is a "have-to". In so doing, you are communicating to him that you have confidence that he can adapt and cope (which he has proven he can do.) It's amazing how kids rise to high expectations.
This is one of those kerfuffles that many parents get into, especially with kids who say "No!" out of the gate to the suggestion of trying anything new, or who generally have trouble with transitions. It raises what I have come to think of as the "positive parenting paradox": what often feels "mean”—in this case, forcing a child to go to school when he's saying he doesn't want to go—is actually helpful, not harmful. It’s so triggering to see our kids struggle that it’s hard not to want to take them out of their seeming misery. But the discomfort kids experience as they adapt to something new, or learn to make daily transitions, is what we think of as "positive stress" because it leads to growth. It is not damaging. It is necessary for gaining new skills. There is nothing more rewarding than staying the course and seeing your child with a big smile at the end of the school day, regaling you with all the fun he had at school. What a gift you have given him. Read more here about helping kids transition to school, and encouraging resistant children to try new things.
6. Why children who laugh or are otherwise evasive when being corrected. On a weekly basis, I hear parents and teachers mortified and worried about their children who laugh, refuse to make eye contact, run away, cover their ears or engage in other evasive behaviors when they are trying to talk to them about their behavior. This is a phenomenon that is understandably confusing and disturbing. Parents often ask themselves how they could be raising a child who does not appear to feel bad about hurting others, or worse, who gains pleasure from it.
Herein lies one of the most challenging aspects of childrearing: we adults tend to interpret children’s behavior through the lens of logic. A child laughing or acting as if he doesn’t care when he has done or said something hurtful means he has no empathy (and may be a budding sociopath, worry some parents.)
The insight: We can’t ascribe adult logic to children’s behavior. While their actions may seem irrational and disturbing at face value, when you look at it from the child’s perspective, their behavior often makes sense. These evasive responses don't mean that a child lacks empathy or feelings. In fact, it often signals the child is a very deeply feeling and empathetic soul. Many children, especially those who are highly sensitive by nature, experience corrections or even directions as personal indictments, not as objective rules you are setting. This triggers them to feel shame. Laughing, turning or running away, and covering their ears are all coping mechanisms, albeit socially unacceptable ones, that provide protection and relief from a flood of difficult emotions. They may fall apart or lash out when being given a seemingly benign suggestion, such as guidance about how to hold scissors correctly or how to balance on a scooter—to stop you from saying things that make them uncomfortable. Also, facing their parents’ anger or disappointment about their behavior can be very overwhelming for HS children. They engage in all sorts of evasion to distract from the stress and discomfort of these encounters. They are just trying to cope with feelings they are having a hard time understanding and managing. Here is how to manage these moments. (So you know you are not alone, this blog on why children laugh when being corrected has gone viral.)
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