How to End Mealtime Madness
Daniela and Marcel are very keen on making dinner time family time. But their almost four-year-old, Reuben, resists sitting at the table for more than a few minutes. He keeps getting up to play. Daniela and Marcel try negotiation/bribery: “If you sit for five minutes and eat six bites of chicken and three of broccoli, you can have extra dessert”; threats: “No books before bed if you don’t sit down and eat”; and logic: “You are going to be hungry if you don’t eat enough.”
None of these tactics is working, so Marcel and Daniela have started to allow Reuben to bring a tablet to the table and play games, despite the fact that they had sworn never to allow any screens during mealtimes. (Marcel wonders, “How is it that my three-year-old is extorting me??”) At the same time, they feel very sad about the fact that a fair share of the precious time they have with Reuben at the end of the day is spent with him diverted by a screen, but they feel helpless to effect a change. Without the incentive of the tablet, they don’t see how they can get Reuben to stay at the table for longer than two or three minutes. Even then, he is so distracted by the screen that he still doesn’t eat, provoking further power struggles. Daniela and Marcel are at a loss as to how to turn this mealtime situation around to create the kind of experience they feel would be healthy and loving for Reuben, and for them.
Why children draw parents into food battles
There are a range of reasons why a child might present difficulties around eating and mealtimes. One is that the child is a “discriminating” (also known as “picky”) eater due to sensory issues. These kids have a heightened reaction to foods based on their texture or smell, or even sometimes to the way the foods look. They reject them based on these aversions.
Children may also refuse a food because they have developed a negative association with it. For example, three-year-old Gavin would not go near any red foods because he had mistaken a sliver of red pepper for what he thought was a piece of candy. The disgust he experienced at the surprise of the savory versus sweet taste he was expecting led to his rejecting all red foods, even those he had previously enjoyed, such as strawberries and tomatoes. (Highly sensitive kids who have big reactors tend to get fixed ideas about things and are more likely to have this kind of reaction.)
Being choosy about foods may also be due to a motor/physiological problem. For example, some children don’t have the muscle strength in their jaw to effectively chew hard, crunchy foods and so insist on eating only soft, mushy foods that they can handle comfortably.
It is important to assess the root cause of your child’s food-related challenge in order to respond in a way that most effectively encourages healthy eating. If you suspect that there is an underlying sensory or physiological issue at play, it is important to talk to your child’s health care provider or a child development specialist.
For the purpose of this article, I am going to stick to food and mealtime challenges that involve power struggles with children who don’t have a sensory or other motor/physiological challenge and who generally enjoy a variety of healthy foods. With this group of kids, the mindset that most often leads to strategies that backfire and increase power struggles around food is parents thinking they can and should make their children eat—that this is something they can control.
To try to get their children to eat, parents engage in all sorts of strategies—cajoling, nagging, logic, bribes/rewards, threats—just like Daniela and Marcel. If you have read any other blogs in my library, you recognize the problem with these tactics—they all depend on your child ultimately being swayed by your tactic and agreeing to cooperate with your expectation. What if your child pronounces that she is happy to give up TV (the threat you have made if your child doesn’t stay at the table) or to go to school hungry (in response to your try at logic to get her to cooperate.) And then there’s this one for the textbooks that I’ve shared in previous newsletters: “After weeks of mealtime battles with our three-year-old, Maisy, trying rewards, threats, etc, we told her that if she was not going to join us at the table and eat, then she would have to sit in her room and do nothing while we ate dinner. We took her to her room and proceeded to take all the books and toys out while Maisy looked on with that maddening, impish grin. As we were leaving, calm as a cucumber, she pointed to a shelf and said, ‘Mommy, I think you forgot the stuffed animals.’ (In other words, “Knock yourselves out—you can’t make me do anything.”)
When children feel forced to eat, their knee-jerk reaction, based on the laws of self-efficacy, is to resist any efforts to be controlled. Their power is in proving to you that they, in fact, are in charge. (“You can’t make me.” “You’re not the boss of me!”) This leads to kids digging in their heels and ultimately eating less.
What to do:
Get clear on the division of responsibility* when it comes to mealtime. You and your child each have a job. Yours is to provide him with healthy food choices and great conversation and connection during mealtimes. It is your child’s job to decide which foods to eat and how much to eat. When you approach feeding this way, your child learns to listen to his body and make healthy food choices. It also leads to fewer power struggles between parent and child around food. (*From the work of Ellyn Satter.)
Don’t focus on forcing your child to come to the table (once she is no longer in a highchair or in other secured seating.) This falls into the category of things that are not within your control; you can’t force your child to sit at the table. If you go down that path—nagging, bribing, making threats—you are promulgating a power struggle and mealtimes become even more stressful and exasperating.
Set clear time limits for mealtimes. Boundaries are loving and helpful. Without a time limit, there are no guardrails to help your child make a good decision. You are likely to find yourself frustrated and annoyed about mealtime going on for hours and making everyone late for other activities.
Use a visual timer to show your child exactly how much time he has to eat. You clearly explain that it’s up to him to decide if he is going to come to the table and which foods (among what you’ve offered) he is going to put in his belly. Whether he chooses to eat a lot or a little, the food will be put away when the timer goes off. Be clear about when the next chance will be for food. He needs that information to help him make a good decision.
Some families feel more comfortable enforcing this limit at dinner if they add an opportunity for their child to have a small snack before bed. One family called it “last chance food.” This way, if your child has tested the limit and doesn’t eat before the timer goes off, or decides to start eating just minutes before it beeps, he still has a chance to eat something before bed. (Yes—you need to still take the food away when the timer rings, even if your child has decided to start to eat right before it sounds, or the whole idea of the limit is lost and your child is back to setting the rules around mealtime.)
If there are battles at breakfast, you can tell your child that whatever she chooses not to eat can be placed in a to-go container to take with her to childcare/school in case she gets hungry.
Engage your child in making mealtimes collaborative and fun. Have her help you develop menus for the week and find the ingredients at the grocery store. Engage your child in meal preparation. Let her mix up stuff or even give her a child-safe knife to help chop. Have her be a taste tester.
Explore new foods through play. Cut up foods into shapes. Make a game of counting the pieces as you cut them and put them in your mouth. The idea is to explore and be playful but never to coax, cajole or bribe to eat. Any indication that you have an agenda and are invested in her eating can result in resistance, especially for children who are all about being in charge.
What to avoid:
Forcing your child to eat. Eating is all about self-regulation—children learning to read their body’s cues as to when they are hungry and full. That is what leads to healthy eating habits in the long term. Forcing sends the message to your child that he doesn’t know his own body and that he always needs to rely on others to tell him how much to eat and what his body is feeling and needs. Keep reminding yourself that you can’t actually make your children eat. That is something only they can decide. Using tactics to try to control your child’s intake only leads to power struggles and children eating less, not more. Eating becomes weaponized.
Nagging or making deals with your child: “Just two more bites, just two more bites!” “If you eat your vegetables, you will get dessert.” Strategies like these don’t work in the long run. Children who learn to make deals about eating quickly learn to make deals and ask for rewards for doing other things—like brushing teeth or cleaning up their toys.
Screens at the table. Most parents I talk to don’t want their kids on screens at mealtimes—something they swore they would never allow. They want meals to be a time to connect, without distractions. Then reality strikes and they are faced with a child who resists coming to the table and suddenly their best laid plans go out the window. They see the screen as the only tool at their disposal to get their child to eat—be it allowing him to have a tablet at the table or letting him eat in front of the TV. (One family calls it “the path of least resistance parenting.”) It is possible to set limits around screens that children will adapt to if you stick to them. As hard as it might be to withstand your child’s vehement protests, the payoff is big. Research clearly shows that families who establish and implement very clear limits around screen use have many fewer power struggles in the long term with significant benefits for children and parents.
Putting it into practice
Here’s how the plan, that incorporated the concepts above, worked for Daniela, Marcel and Reuben. We implement it on a home visit so I can support Daniela and Marcel in following through. They know themselves well. They are worried that while the plan sounds great in the comfort of my office, in the heat of the moment, their emotions will rule the day. They will end up reverting to bribery, threats and coaxing to get Reuben to come to the table and will ultimately cave on the use of the tablet.
The resistance starts even before the meal is put on the table. Marcel announces that dinner will be ready in five minutes. Reuben, not skipping a beat, responds: “My belly isn’t hungry tonight. I’m fine.” I use this as the perfect opportunity to set the stage for the new approach and do exactly the opposite of what Reuben is expecting—that his parents will jump in and start trying to convince him to come to the table and eat dinner. I respond: “Well, the great news, Reuben, is that it’s your belly and only you know what it needs to feel happy and full. I don’t know how your belly feels, do I? And you don’t know how my belly feels—only I know that. I’m going to eat the yummy dinner mommy and daddy have made because my belly is telling me it’s hungry and it will be mad and growl at me if I don’t fill it up. You have to decide what your belly needs. That’s your choice.”
Daniela and Marcel put dinner on the table and Reuben immediately announces, “I’ll come to the table if I can have the tablet.” Daniela responds: “That’s not a choice, sweetie.” Reuben retorts: “Well, I’m not coming then,” and runs to the other side of the room where he starts playing with his cars. Daniela and Marcel reflexively start to coax Reuben to the table: “Don’t you want to show Claire how much you love avocado? Your belly is going to be mad if you don’t eat any food.” I step in: “Oh, mom and dad, remember, Reuben is a really smart kid and he is great at making smart decisions. He can see the timer and knows exactly how much time there is to eat dinner. If his belly is hungry, or if he wants to join our conversation, he can always choose to come to the table.” I redirect them by suggesting that we each share a funny story about our day. This dramatizes for Reuben that all the action and attention is at the table. We keep up our animated discussion with lots of laughter and talk about how yummy the food is. Slowly, Reuben moves closer.
Reuben eventually approaches the table. I signal to Daniela and Marcel not to get all excited or say anything about how happy they are that he is joining us. That may sound cold, but it is strategic. Reuben is in a stage where “giving in” to a parental request or agenda feels like ceding control—aka eating crow (no pun intended)—which is what he is trying to avoid. If we make a big deal about him joining us, he is likely to run for the hills. Instead, we organically integrate him into the discussion by showing him silly food combinations, like dipping a piece of chicken into the avocado to see how that tastes. I ask if he has any ideas for fun mixtures. Within minutes he is fully engaged and eating a great, healthy meal.
Naturally, given how different an approach this is for Daniela and Marcel, there are several moments when they revert to their knee-jerk coaxing: “Don’t you want a few more pieces of the avocado? You love it so much.” That is my cue to step in and reframe: “Oh, mom and dad, remember, Reuben knows what he needs. If he chooses to fill his belly up, it will be so happy. If he doesn’t, then he’ll have a big breakfast and tomorrow night he can decide to eat more at dinner.”
After the home visit, Daniela and Marcel have the muscle memory that helps them stay the course and continue to implement the plan we had established together. This changes the course of their meals, which is monumental, since dinnertime accounts for a major portion of their waking time together.
To learn more about nurturing healthy eating, check out the work of Ellyn Satter. I am a big fan of her approach.