When Your Child’s Default Setting Is Irritable: What Helps—and What Makes It Worse
Declan (6) is moody and irritable by nature—an attribute that I see more frequently in highly sensitive kids. Their deep processing means they get overwhelmed more easily which results in their having a lower tolerance for frustration and discomfort. Declan’s parents, Kathryn and Brendan reported the following:
"Declan's starting point is aggrieved. We sit down for dinner and he whines, 'You didn't get me my milk,' not, 'Thank you so much for this delicious meal you have made after a long day at work. Can I please have some milk?' We get to the playground, and he whines, 'You didn't bring the right pail,' not, "Wow, thanks for bringing me to this amazing park!' We read 3 books before bed and he complains, 'We didn't get to read my favorite about the pandas’ (because he hadn't chosen it!) The whining is out of control and is driving us insane. He finds fault with EVERYTHING. Nothing we have tried has made a difference. When we ask him to please ask nicely and we'll be happy to help him or get him what he wants, he gets more angry and out of control."
Kathryn and Brendan's reaction, like most parents in this situation, has been to try to teach Declan a lesson by explaining that he should be grateful for what he has and all they are doing for him, to the tune of: "Why don't you see all the things we DO for you?" "Why do you have to look at everything so negatively?" "It's never enough for you." "We didn't read the Panda book because YOU didn't choose it! It's not our fault."
The problem is that for many kids, especially those wired to be more negative and reactive, trying to change their feelings or perspective serves as fodder for them to double-down on their negativity, to prove to you just how victimized they are. Further, a negative response fuels negativity.
What I find most helpful (and counterintuitive, as are so many of the strategies that work with big reactors), is to "kill them with kindness;" to do the opposite of what your child is triggering and expecting from you. In this case, Kathryn and Brendan might respond:
"I hear there's something else you would like with your dinner, that you were expecting. That happens! Let's work together to get you that milk." Then they would engage Declan in the process of meeting his need in a developmentally appropriate way.
"You wish you had a different pail. I understand. You can choose to use the ones we have or you can play somewhere else at the park. You decide!"
"There are so many books to choose from each night! We are lucky to have so many. I can't wait to read the panda book tomorrow if that's your choice."
Essentially, the approach is to acknowledge your child's feelings and move on, not to go down the rabbit hole of trying to teach them a lesson or to jump to the rescue to make it all better. When you solve the problem for your child, to take them out of their discomfort, it conveys that you don't think they can handle it when things don't go the way they want. That mindset/expectation becomes an obstacle to their learning the resilience you so badly want to instill in them. When you are a positive presence and don't fuel the flames, you are modeling that it's not the end of the world and that you have faith they can adapt. That is the lesson.
End Note: For those of you with kids who are wired like Declan, it can be a hard pill to swallow and feel unfair, especially when you see other kids or have another child who is positive and easy-going. You wonder, "Why can't you just be like so-and-so and roll with the punches, and see all the amazing things you have and get to do?!" It's important to remember this negativity and victim stance is not something your child has chosen or that you have engendered in them. Temperament is biologically determined and present from birth, influenced by genetics and neurological factors. For more on how to support kids who are more angsty by nature and have a pessimistic, half-glass-empty outlook, see the blog noted below that goes in deep on this phenomenon.
Related Resources
How To Teach Lessons To Kids Who Can’t Tolerate Being Corrected
When Less Is So Much More In Supporting Your Big Reactor
It’s All Your Fault! Why children blame you for everything that goes wrong
When Your Child Has A Pessimistic Outlook