The Problem with Praise: It can backfire when it makes kids self-conscious, is perceived as pressure or as a means for control

The message most parents get about praise is that it’s critical for building kids’ self-esteem, and for showing them their accomplishments are seen and valued.  

We're also led to believe that when we tell our kids how proud we are when they... finally poop on the potty or agree to try a new food or activity, or perform at a sporting event or recital...that praise will reinforce that behavior. That it's Pavlovian: heap on the praise and your child will do more of whatever you are applauding.

But what happens when praise has the opposite effect? When your child rejects it: they demand you stop talking when you are praising them to other people; or, they tell you not to say “Good job” or clap when they have performed well or have followed through on a task. They may even do a complete about-face. You tell them how glad you are that they are trying a new food and they promptly spit it out. You tell them how proud you are that they are wearing underwear, and they go back to demanding pull-ups.

This is a common phenomenon in my practice, so I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out the meaning of this seemingly irrational, perplexing behavior. 

The starting point is always keeping in mind that kids are not blank slates that we imprint ourselves onto. They come into the world with their own, unique neurological system through which they process their experiences, otherwise known as temperament--which helps us understand the "why" of kids' behavior: why some kids run into new situations without looking back while other kids may be clinging for dear life; why some kids easily weather life's ups and downs while others react to even seemingly minor change or upsets. It's why siblings, who share DNA and live in the same home, may react very differently to the very same experience. 

The way kids process praise is also affected by temperament. Some kids thrive on it. It motivates them to make good choices. (Although there’s always a risk that they become dependent on external validation to feel valued.)

When kids reject praise, there may be several underlying issues at play:

They're self-conscious and don’t like people calling attention to them. They may process praise as pressure—that you’re evaluating their performance—which, in fact, you are. This can be stifling, not motivating, for kids. The flipside of praise is disappointment. You praise their goal in soccer; so in their next competition, if they don’t score, they worry they’re letting you down. 

Kids perceive that praise as a tool for control, which, in fact, it is. We praise the behaviors we want to see more of, and they know it. For the kids who are wired to be heat-seeking missiles for power and control, praise effectively means they have caved to your agenda/authority which is totally anathema to them. These kids prioritize power over everything and do not want the optics to be that you have “won.” 

I met with a family who has been trying to get their 4-year-old to poop on the potty for a year, offering endless praise and incentives. Then they found residual toilet paper in his underwear after school (the teacher confirmed he has been using the potty at school), and their caregiver told them that he has pooped on the potty with her, but dictates, “Don’t tell mommy or daddy.”

Another family reported that one night they held firm on not giving their child the chicken nuggets he demanded, nor did they react to his threats that he wouldn’t eat anything else and would thus, starve. They later found him in his room eating the grilled chicken and carrots he had apparently taken from the table. Why would a child do that? So as not to give his parents the satisfaction that he had acquiesced to their limit. These kids will not eat crow! (No pun intended.)

I share these insights and stories because day-after-day I see how popular parenting guidance that sounds good and logical in theory backfires in practice, because it doesn’t take into consideration the child’s unique way of approaching the world.

Addressing these challenges requires suspending logic, Why wouldn’t my child want to see how proud we are of him?, and, not taking one-size-fits-all guidance as gospel.

Strategies That Can Support Your Child’s Positive Sense-of-Self and Engage Their Cooperation.

When your child knows your praise (“Good job!”, clapping) is a tool for control—to get them to cooperate. When it threatens their autonomy and results in opposition, not cooperation. They will do anything not to eat crow, to convey in any way that they’re caving to your agenda.

The antidote: Don’t call attention to their acquiescence.

Wondering what that looks like?

Say you hold the limit that you’re not making chicken nuggets for dinner. Your child ultimately comes to the table and starts nibbling at the food on offer. Don’t say a word about it, ala, “You’re making such a good choice to eat growing foods!” Just integrate them into the dinner conversation to show you’re enjoying their company. Don’t in any way show that you care a lick (no pun intended) about whether they eat or not. As counterintuitive as that may seem, it’s your caring (aka your agenda) that’s fodder for resistance-to prove they’re in charge.

If your child has finally gotten dressed by themselves, after you have held the limit that it’s their job and you won’t be doing it for them anymore, avoid the, “You got yourself dressed-you’re such a big guy now!” (I’ve known kids who, faced with this reaction, promptly tear all their clothes off.) What you might do instead is say, “Since you’re all dressed it means we have time for a book before heading to school.” This approach both avoids the fight that they’re looking for, and at the same time teaches them that when they choose to do their job, it results in a real benefit to them. (Keep in mind that when kids are in this head-space, they’re out to please themselves, not you!)

What about if your child is self-conscious, doesn’t like attention, and processes praise as pressure; that you’re evaluating their performance which can lead to a fear of failure? Or, when heaping praise is making your child dependent on external validation to feel worthy and valued, and is making them sore at losing, ala this story from one client: “We thought we were building Rohan's self-esteem by praising everything he did: how smart, clever and athletic he is. But now, at 5, he has all this bravado and he's a braggart. I feel terrible saying this, but he's become an obnoxious know-it-all and constantly needs to top others, which is not working so well with his friends. If a child makes two goals, he'll say he made four, which is just not true. If someone shares a fact, say, about dinosaurs, he counters, 'I know the most about dinosaurs.' He’s also become a very sore loser. Now we're not sure what to do. Seems our approach backfired.”

• Don’t talk to others about your child in front them, especially if you want to brag about them. It can feel intrusive and overwhelming to see how much you care about their performance.

• Change your focus from praise to process. Comment on the impact of their effort on them, not its impact on you: "You worked so hard to keep your eye on the ball which helped you get that goal. I can see how good that makes you feel.” Versus, "You made a goal! We’re so proud of you! You’re the best soccer player!”

• Communicate that what’s important to you is not their performance, but seeing them experience pleasure in whatever they’re doing.

• As tempting as it may be, don’t manipulate it so your child always wins when playing games. That’s not how the real world works, so it’s a missed opportunity for them to experience that they can survive not being the winner. Think: “I love playing catch with you. But when you shout at me or want to change the rules, it’s not fun for me. So we can have a redo, and keep playing, which I would love, or we can move onto something else.“

• Explain that they are still smart and valued, even when others- friends, siblings-get the right answer or win a game. (AKA, comparison is the thief of joy!)

• Validate how hard it feels to not be the best or the winner, but that it’s going to happen, given that we’re human. Share how you learned to manage those difficult moments so that you could be a good teammate and enjoy, not be stressed by, competition, which makes it no fun. Brainstorm strategies for how your child can calm and cope when they’re in these triggering situations.

Finally, here’s a strategy many of my families have found very effective: show your child video clips of people they admire-like Messi-having a bad game; that it doesn’t define him, and how even he has to keep working on his skills. Then there was the family who shared clips of John McEnroe throwing tantrums to show how uncomfortable his behavior makes others feel. That was also very effective!

It's all about using what you know about your child—what makes them tick—to wonder why praise would make them uncomfortable and backfire. That’s what gives you the insight into how to respond in a way that is most sensitive and effective.