When Your Child Won’t Take “No” for an Answer

If you find yourself in endless, irrational, negotiations with your fierce, not-taking-no-for-an-answer negotiator, listen to this five-year-old’s master class in persistence. Maya has just been picked up from camp by her dad , Kevin, and they’re on their way to get food for dinner from the deli. This is the conversation that ensues:

I don’t want to go to the deli! I want to go to Wendy’s!

Mommy and daddy already ordered it. While we’re there we can look and see if there’s anything you want, and if there’s not, you can have something from home.

But I don’t want anything from home. I want to go to Wendy’s!

We’re not going to Wendy’s tonight, my love. We can’t get Wendy’s every day.

We didn’t get Wendy’s yesterday.

(Trying not to chuckle...) We didn’t have Wendy’s yesterday, that’s true, but Wendy’s is only sometimes. It’s not every day, it’s not even every other day.

But today is a ‘sometimes’ day.

You don’t get to decide when we go to Wendy’s.

Today is a ‘sometimes’ day! (Voice escalates)

We already have a plan for tonight, sweetheart, which is getting dinner from the deli. You can see if there’s anything you like there.

There’s nothing they have that I like.

It’s hard to know that until you go, but if you’ve already decided that you don’t want anything from there then that’s fine.

Well I’ve never been there.

So how do you know they don’t have anything you like?

I just know that!

You just know that? Well, we’ll find out when we get there.

I don’t need to find out, I already know.

If there’s nothing there that you like, then we’ll get you something at home.

But, I already know!

You don’t have to keep saying that, sweetheart. That’s where we’re going right now and then we’ll go home.

We don’t even need to go to that place!

We do need to go to that place because that’s where we ordered dinner so we have to go.

They can just bring it to our house.

Not everything is delivered and this place doesn’t deliver so we’re going to pick it up. I picked you up early from camp so we could go together.

Well you shouldn’t have did that.

Are you mad at me right now, because you’re not talking very nicely to me? What are you feeling? Are you feeling disappointed?

(Growl)

Are you feeling grumpy?

STOP TALKING TO ME!

OK, we’ll stop talking about it.

I want to go to Wawa!

I share this encounter because while the content may change, I hear these same circular conversations between parents and kids multiple times a week.

You are not alone.

These unbelievably clever kids (“It’s a sometimes day!”) are experts at drawing their parents into maddening and unproductive discussions that leave everyone exhausted.

Thirty-five plus years into this work in the trenches with families and I am still amazed at the lengths fierce and feisty kids will go to, how persistent and clever they can be, in pursuing their wants.

There's nothing wrong with pressing for their agenda; that's just human nature and to be expected. Any strategy that's successful in getting what they want is a tactic they're going to rely on, be it: wearing parents down with continued badgering; accusing the parent of being "mean," not listening to them, or loving their sibling more; making threats or having a major meltdown. These are all common reactions to kids being told "No" in some way, shape, or form.

As much as these kids want to yank their parents' chains and get a reaction, what they need is for their parents to show empathy for their child's disappointment or displeasure at the limit the parent is setting, and then hold said limit. That's what ends these unhealthy behaviors and interactions and leads to greater flexibility and self-regulation for the child.

Take the following scenario. Siena (4) wants to watch a show. Her mom, Laila, has told her that she can have her screen time after she does her job of putting her clothes away. This is a good parenting decision; Laila is teaching Siena that you get "extras" or privileges after you take care of your "have-tos" or responsibilities.

Naturally, Siena doesn't like or accept this limit and tries to draw her mom into this maddening transaction:

Siena (4): Can I watch a show?

Laila: Yes, after you put your clothes away.

Siena: You're not listening to me! You didn't answer my question!

Laila: I did answer your question (which she answers exactly as she had already done)

Siena: You're interrupting me! That's not nice. Stop interrupting me!

Laila: I'm not interrupting you.

Siena: Just say yes (to watching the show.) Don't say anything after that!

These episodes can go on for long periods, with Laila getting defensive: No, she's not interrupting; yes, she did answer the question (10 times!); no, she's not being mean; yes, of course she loves Siena...and so on. Each response by Laila is fodder for Siena to keep at it. Absent a clear boundary, Siena fills the black hole with continued attempts to wear her mom down, hoping she'll let up on the limit.

The Solution

In a quiet moment, not during a triggering event, Laila tells Siena: “I know how hard it is when you can't have something you want; and, of course you want us to change our minds. I totally understand that. But once we tell you our decision, we are going to say, ‘Final answer.’ That means that we aren’t going to change our decision and we aren’t going to respond anymore to that request, even if you keep asking. We are not ignoring you. We are happy to keep talking/playing. We love you so much we aren't going to fight anymore. If you need to be upset about our decision, we understand. We don’t expect you to be happy about it."

Of course, just because you explain this, doesn’t mean your child isn’t going to persist; you have no control over making them stop.

Similarly, my guidance to Kevin was to validate Maya’s dissapointment, hold the limit, and not keep responding to her attempts to draw him into a protracted, unproductive conversation that just fuels Maya’s persistent pestering. "I hear you don’t like the dinner plan. That’s going to happen sometimes; we can’t always have our first choice. If you need to be upset about that I totally understand. I’m disappointed when I can’t have the exact foods I am hoping for. In fact, just the other day I was in a work meeting and they ordered salads for lunch when I really wanted pizza. For tonight, the final decision is to go to the deli. That’s not going to change; so I’m not going to keep having this conversation with you. We can talk about something else when you’re ready.” Then he would play Maya’s favorite music and hold strong on not responding further to her efforts to keep the conversation going. This also means not responding to her accusations that he’s mean, or starving her, or not listening to him. This is no small feat, but it’s a loving one.

Many families have found that it helps, in these moments, to move on, otherwise known as a diversion, to focus their brains onto something productive: “The funniest thing happened at work today. Let me know if you want to hear about it.” Or, “I'm going to check out this puzzle. I'd love a helper when you're ready." Or, “I can’t wait to see what happens next in this book. Let me know when you’re ready to read together.” This helps parents avoid focusing on and reacting to the immediacy and intensity of their child’s demands; and, it shows their child that while they’re ignoring their repeated requests, they’re not ignoring them.

When you stay calm and stay the course, kids see that their strategy to persuade you or wear you down is no longer working. That’s when you should see a reduction in this behavior.

Taking this approach has has led to fewer struggles and stress. While initially, kids naturally test and persist, when parents follow through with the "Final answer," the accusations and badgering abate.

And that's what loving, "gentle parenting" looks like with a big reactor.