Help Your Child Cope with Holiday Social Stress

Charlie and his cousin, Daniel, arrive at the same time to Aunt Margie's house for a holiday celebration. When Margie comes to the door, Charlie gives her a huge hug and excitedly tells her about the goal he made at a recent soccer class. Daniel, on the other hand, hides behind his dad, Philip, and refuses to engage with his aunt. Philip prods: “Daniel, let’s give Auntie Margie a hug. Aren’t we so happy to see her?” Aunt Margie approaches Daniel, but he turns his back to her and clings more fiercely to his dad. Philip is mortified at Daniel’s rejection of Margie, especially in comparison to Charlie's effusive greeting. With palpable annoyance, he shouts at Daniel: “See how you have hurt Aunt Margie's feelings? Look at how nicely your cousin says hello to our family. It's embarrassing.” Daniel crumbles to the ground in tears.

If you have an outgoing child, like Charlie—a go-with-the-flow kind of kid whose temperament enables him to enter new situations with ease and to manage a lot of stimulation—the holidays are likely to be something you look forward to. You don’t have to worry about how your child will respond to the onslaught of friends and family who gather for the holidays. 

But if your child is more like Daniel—slow-to-warm-up by nature--reconnecting with people he doesn’t see often or feel close to, especially in the context of the hustle and bustle of holiday gatherings, can be uncomfortable and stressful. 

While feelings of embarrassment, frustration and anger are only natural for parents in the face of a child avoiding or even being outright rude to family, acting on these feelings is likely to make things worse, not better. Highly sensitive children are already in uber-stress mode during these holiday gatherings. If they also feel like they are disappointing, embarrassing or angering you, their stress increases and makes them more, not less, anxious and fearful.

If you have a child who needs more support to feel comfortable in large, social gatherings, check out my latest blog on PBS Kids for Parents on how to help slow-to-warm-up kids cope with the social expectations of the holiday season.