Building Your Child's Confidence to Try New Things
Anna sought my help to figure out why her five-year-old son, Max, was having difficulty participating in activities, even those he typically enjoys, such as swimming and soccer. He would purposefully act-up and get sidelined, claim he was bored, or would refuse to engage. Anna had tried cheerleading (“But you’re great at swimming!” “You love soccer”), offering rewards/bribery (taking Max out for ice-cream if he would get in the pool), comparing him to his peers to try to motivate him (“Look at Joey having so much fun splashing around!”), and shaming (“You won’t have anyone to play with if all your friends are doing soccer and you won’t join.”) Nothing worked. She felt very sad for Max that he was missing out on experiences she knew he would enjoy. She also worried about what it would mean for him to only stick to things he felt totally safe doing, and not being willing to take any risks.
This phenomenon—children resisting trying new things or engaging in activities that they haven’t fully mastered—is not uncommon. It’s also not uncommon for parents to try a whole range of strategies to get their children to participate. The reason these tactics often fail is because they don’t address the underlying issue—what is causing the child’s discomfort and thus his resistance.
For many children, including Max, the root cause has to do with their temperament. They are wired to be intensely tuned in to their experiences in the world. They are “processors”—keenly focused on and absorbing everything they see and experience. It’s like their brains don’t have an off button. They wonder: “What is this place? Who are these people? What am I expected to do here? Will I be successful at it?” This is in contrast to the “whatever kids” who don’t process their experiences so deeply and are, thus, able to jump right in to new experiences, unhampered by these mental machinations.
The intensity with which more sensitive kids process their experiences can result in their being more fearful, cautious and self-conscious, especially in new situations or ones that have a performance component. The second they face a challenge—something they don’t fully understand or a skill they haven’t mastered—they are triggered to feel out of control and vulnerable. This is a very uncomfortable feeling. To avoid it, kids engage in all sorts of behaviors, such as complaining they don’t feel well, saying they don’t like the activity (even when they do), or simply being defiant and refusing to try. They prefer to stick to what’s comfortable: activities that they have completely mastered and excel in.
Strategies like cheerleading, bribery and threats backfire for several reasons: 1) They don’t address the underlying feelings that are driving the child’s behavior; 2) They send the message that there is something wrong with the child, increasing her sense of failure; and, 3) They communicate to the child how important it is to you that she participate. So, on top of feeling anxious about her ability to engage effectively in the activity, she is burdened with having let you down—further fueling her shame at not excelling at these endeavors.