Not-So-Tiny Victory: Solving middle of the night wakings
Noah (4) is coming into his dads' room one to two times in the middle of the night. It is very disruptive for everyone. His dads explain to Noah that nighttime is for resting and refueling bodies; daytime is for play, connection, sharing food, cuddling, reading, talking etc. When he wakes them up at night, their bodies don't get the fuel they need—they are all tired in the morning. When he stays in his room until the "okay-to-wake" light goes on, they are all more rested and energetic, which means they will be able to take 10 minutes to do a special activity of his choice before they leave for school, such as reading a favorite book or building together.
The first night after they explain this new plan, Noah wakes them up once. The next morning he asks for special playtime and they respond: "We can't wait to do that with you but we were all up last night so we don't have time or energy to do that this morning. Maybe tomorrow we'll be able to read and play before school if you stay in your room all night.” They are not angry or punitive. They state this very matter-of-factly and move him through their typical morning tasks.
The next night, Noah doesn't get out of bed; he does call out "I want to come see you" from his room. His dads respond by repeating their special nighttime mantra to him, "We love you, all is well, it's still night, can't wait to see you in the morning" and Noah goes back to sleep. The next morning they do the 10 minutes of special time. Now, most nights, Noah stays in his room all night.
I share this "win" not because it's a slam dunk. I have worked through countless sleep challenges with families for whom this would not be sufficient to result in behavior change. (See resources below to dive deeper into a range of sleep issues.) It's to show that sometimes, a child experiencing the natural consequences of their behavior can be key to resolving the problem.
I have had families try this with success in situations where a child, for example, won't go to the bathroom without a parent present, even after they are fully potty independent. The parents explain: "You are an amazing 4/5/6 year old who is so good at taking care of your body in the bathroom. That's your job and you do it so well. When we have to come in with you, it takes time away from doing our mommy/daddy jobs, like getting dinner ready. When you do your potty job on your own, without us, it saves us time, which means we can add 5 minutes to playtime before dinner or add that time to books before bed. You decide." This helps kids move beyond their fear and experience that they are fine on their own. It also teaches them that they will get the connection and attention they need, while not creating an association or expectation that pottying is a way to get more time and attention.
RELATED RESOURCES
Securing Sleep: Key Principles for Helping Your Child Become a Good Sleeper
The Beauty and Benefit of Boundaries at Bedtime
Goodnight Sleep Tight: How to help children cope with nighttime fears