Anxiety in Sensitive Kids: Explained
What follows is an excerpt from my upcoming book, Big Reactors: Practical Strategies for Parenting Highly Sensitive Children. It’s all about the big "A"—Anxiety—which lies at the root of many challenges that lead parents to seek consultation.
A 4-year-old falls apart at separations from their parent at preschool.
A 5-year-old refuses to use the bathroom which had flooded, even after the problem was fixed.
A 6-year-old won't go anywhere in the house without a parent present.
A 7-year-old refuses to move to the next level in soccer because it's a different coach he doesn't know.
Anxiety in and of itself is not inherently harmful. It has a very important evolutionary function: to help us think ahead and prepare for possible challenges. Anxiety motivates us to increase our focus and energy to tackle problems and new situations. For adults this might mean planning for a presentation, an exam, or job interview. For kids, it might mean helping them anticipate and plan for the transition to a new school or activity.
Anxiety becomes a problem when it's disproportionate, chronic, or interferes in daily functioning.
While highly sensitive children are more prone to anxiety, due to their deep processing systems, the way parents respond when their children are fearful and hesitant can make the difference between a child working through the anxiety or amplifying it.
Specific guidance on how to help kids manage and muscle through anxious moments is addressed throughout the book and in the many blogs listed at the end of the excerpt.
_____________________________________________________________________
Izzy (4) was a mess all week. She was on edge, falling apart more than usual over really minor things she can typically handle. Then, at bedtime a few days into this very unpleasant period, she asked if she had to participate in her upcoming dance recital. I realized, then, that she had been stewing over this and that it was the cause of her angst all week. It all made sense.
Leon (7) asks every night before bed what the weather is going to be. He wants to know if it’s going to rain because, during a recent storm, a big tree limb fell on our neighbor's car and dented the roof. No one was hurt, but for days after it was all Leon could talk about. He asked myriad questions and expressed concern about what would happen if someone was in the car. Could they get hurt?
Anxiety is caused by feelings of uncertainty: not knowing what to expect and not being able to control the outcome. Thus, it is not surprising that HSCs are more prone to anxiety and that it’s at the root of many of their challenges. Their deep processing means their brains are working overtime, absorbing and trying to make sense of all the information and experiences they are exposed to. They take in more than they can handle. To guard against the unknown, they develop a range of coping strategies. They think 10 steps ahead about what might happen in any given situation so they are not blindsided and can be prepared for anything. That’s why HSCs have a strong need to know exactly what to expect—to avoid surprises.
To protect themselves from potential discomfort, HSCs make decisions—often unconscious—that guide their behavior: Sebby finally gets the courage to go down the slide. He does it several times with delight. Then, on one go-around, he bumps his bottom on the ground. He has refused to go on a slide since. ("Slide hurts. Slide bad. No more slide.")
Jessie goes to a birthday party. Without warning, a swarm of people enter the room, birthday cake in hand, bursting out with the "Happy Birthday" song. She completely melts down, overwhelmed by this unexpected sensory experience. Ever since, Jessie not only refuses to go to birthday parties, but is also terrified of candles. (“Birthday parties are overwhelming. No more birthday parties. Candles are at birthday parties. Must stay away from candles.") You can see how anxiety is an undercurrent and at play in many of the challenging behaviors with which HSCs struggle.
The Connection Between Anxiety and Self-Consciousness
Jonah is hesitant to go to swim class. He doesn’t want the kids or teacher to look at him when it’s his turn to do an exercise.
Miriam will only participate in school performances standing with her back to the audience or from behind the curtain. She instructs her parents not to clap.
HSCs are more keenly focused on how others see them. They get very uncomfortable when any attention is called to them, even when parents or other adults are praising them. They process praise as evaluation, which, in fact, it is. Others are watching them and assessing their performance. This translates into pressure which can result in paralysis. They sense that their performance has the power to please or disappoint others, especially their parent(s), which is overwhelming and stressful and shuts them down.
The Connection Between Anxiety and Irritability
Recall Izzy who had been in a foul mood for days leading up to her bedtime confession that she was worried about her upcoming dance recital. Many parents share similar scenarios. Their kids are more irritable and dysregulated than usual, sometimes for a few days. Then, often at bedtime, when kids are more open and their defenses are down, they blurt out the reason for why they are anxious. A four-year-old exclaims: “I don’t want to move to the next (older children’s) classroom.” A five-year-old shares she is scared about taking a bus to school.
If you notice your child going through a more dysregulated period, it can be helpful to explore what's on their minds. You might share: "When I am thinking a lot about something new that is happening in my life, or something I am worried about, I feel cranky. Do you ever feel that way? Is there anything your brain is thinking a lot about?"
The Connection Between Anxiety and a Child’s Ability to Access Their Skills
How we behave is deeply influenced by our level of comfort in a situation. If I am presenting to a group I don't know and whom I feel may be harsh critics and judgy, I am more halting and inarticulate and don’t perform to my capacity. When I am with a group that I am familiar with and feel safe with, I am on top of my game. The same is true for kids. It may be that your child feels anxious in big groups and shuts down. Or, they get overwhelmed when a lot is going on around them. They may be self-conscious and may not like “performing” for fear of being evaluated. They get anxious and become constricted and avoidant. They are not able to be their best, free, most confident, competent self.
It is not uncommon, in the beginning of a new school year, for there to be some kids who are very anxious about this big transition—either to a new program, teacher, classroom, or just making the change from summer back to school. They will not use the potty (even when they are fully trained) and sometimes won’t eat. All of their psychic energy is diverted to adapting to this new experience. Some skills go into regression or are subsumed and shut down, including not eating at school. With time, as children get more comfortable, they relax and resume healthy bodily functions.
Kids’ performance can also be affected by their anxiety. I often hear from parents that their child is a huge ham at home and doesn’t stop talking. Yet, at school or outside of the home, they are very reticent and hesitant to participate. At home, a child loves to explore letters and numbers. Their teacher reports that at school, this child is not able to apply these same skills to activities in the classroom. They seem frozen and can’t produce the same response parents see at home.
Anxiety is often at the core of why HSCs are: more prone to meltdowns; demanding and inflexible; cautious and need a lot of time to adapt to new situations; have a hard time with change; are perfectionistic and sore losers; and why they struggle with self-consciousness and performance anxiety—all challenges addressed in this book.
Mindshifts to Help Your Child Work Through Their Anxiety
All stress is not equal. Stress is a part of life for all humans, and all stress is not the same or equal. The temporary distress children experience when they confront a new situation or challenge, like starting school or a new activity, is what we think of in the world of child development as “positive stress' (or what I am now calling, "positive discomfort.") These experiences are uncomfortable but not harmful. Unlike “toxic stress” that is caused by abuse, neglect, persistent shaming and harsh punishment, “positive stress” leads to learning and growth. Children see that they have what it takes to persevere through discomfort (otherwise known as resilience) and in doing so, gain many new skills and develop relationships with peers and other trusted adults as they participate in these new, enriching experiences. Remind yourself that the stress your child may experience as you help them face and overcome their fears is “positive discomfort” and is essential for successfully guiding them through this process.
What feels mean is sometimes loving. Helping your child manage their fears often requires exposing them to the situation that is causing them anxiety. When your child experiences the natural discomfort this induces, it may make you feel you are being mean by putting your child in a situation that seems so stressful. That’s why reminding yourself that doing so is a gift to your child, even when they are decidedly not making you feel like you are being kind.
This past weekend I was talking with my brother, Alan, a very wise and skilled therapist, about how the innate, powerful drive to avoid discomfort is one of the greatest obstacles to growth for his clients. He recited this quote that he shares with them when their fear is paralyzing them:
"The way it works is, you do the things you're scared of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it." (George Clooney's character, Major Archie Gates, says this to a young soldier who is terrified of a mission they have been assigned in the movie, Three Kings.)
This is as true for kids as it is for adults: that the way to help kids overcome a fear is by creating opportunities for them to face it and experience that they can live through it, not waiting for them not to be afraid. It's in doing the thing that they're afraid of that helps them overcome it, and that builds courage and resilience.
This is especially important to keep in mind if you have a child who is more fearful and cautious by nature: that discomfort and fear are part of being human, and…not something to fear. It’s part of the process and how we grow.
What working through fear looks like in my practice:
A parent creating the opportunity for their child to see that they are safe and okay in their room at night, that they can fall asleep on their own, even when they are begging the parent to stay and making mom or dad feel like they are harming them.
Taking a child to a new activity that the parents knows they will love, even when the child is resisting.
Don’t fear your child’s feelings. When I first meet most families and they tell me how they are handling their child’s big feelings, they are frequently focusing on trying to change them. They don’t want their children to feel sad, angry, jealous, or, in this case, anxious, because they worry it will inhibit their children’s healthy development. But ignoring or minimizing feelings doesn’t make them magically disappear. Kids up the ante to be heard. You tell your child they don’t have to be afraid of the pool—the instructor will be sure they don’t drown. They respond: “What if they aren’t looking at me and are looking at another kid so they don’t see me drowning??”
When children’s feelings are understood and accepted, it ultimately opens them up to reflecting on their emotions and experiences; to think through their worries and ultimately change their perspective and thought process, as the cases in the book illustrate.
Related Resources
Positive Discomfort: The stress of learning something new or facing a challenge is helpful, not harmful
How to Help Avoidant Kids take on Challenges and Work Through Fears
5 Ways to Help Hesitant Kids Try New Things
When Cheerleading is Paralyzing, Not Motivating to Your Child
To read the full version of these blogs, join the LCD membership which provides access to my full library of over 150 blogs, two added each month, a monthly, live Q&A, a quarterly webinar on a key topic, and entry into two drawings a month for a free, 30-minute consult.