Not-So-Tiny Victories From the Parenting Trenches

Dealing with Demanding Behavior

Marta's 9-year-old, Spencer, walked into the kitchen in the morning, took one look at the offerings on the table, and barked at her: "You know I don't eat that cereal anymore! Get me the one I like!" Previously, this would get Marta's haunches up (understandably). She would launch into a lecture on how Spencer can't talk to her that way, which always resulted in a shouting match, and Marta often giving in to take everyone out of their misery and keep the peace. She didn't want to separate for the day on this bad note. Now, she just gives Spencer "the look" and goes on about her business, to show him that she is not going to engage when he is talking disrespectfully, and that she isn't going to change her mind and give him what he is demanding.
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This is no small feat and takes a heroic amount of self-control, but it has led to meaningful change. While there were several mornings when Spencer went the distance—refused to eat if she didn't make him what he had demanded (hoping that would be so triggering to Marta that she would give in)—and went to school without eating. But as Marta stayed the course, within days Spencer changed his tune.

Remember, you can't change your child—in this case, make them talk respectfully. What you can do is respond in a way that doesn't make the behavior "successful." That is how kids learn to make good decisions.

Getting Kids to Cooperate

Cecilia and Doug were ensconced in constant battles with their 4-year-old, Lucca. A major trigger was making transitions. Using timers and "warnings" made no difference. Lucca is a master negotiator and five more minutes quickly turned to 10, then 20, and still led to major meltdowns when Cecilia and Doug finally dragged him away from his play. 

Then Cecilia and Doug made a seemingly minor, semantic shift. Lucca loves watching soccer and understands the concept of "extra time." Now, when he is involved in an activity, they put on "timer 1," which signals the official end of play; then they put on "timer 2" for five minutes which they now call "extra time" instead of a "warning." When "extra time" is over, the activity ends. 
 
This has been a game-changer for their family in that it has led to much greater cooperation and many fewer power struggles. Using the concept of "extra time" has given Lucca a much more positive association because of the connection to soccer, and because it feels less threatening than a "warning." This has moved him from his knee-jerk, oppositional mode as soon as time is up, to a more agreeable mode, all while keeping Cecilia and Doug in charge. The key is that it's their plan—the extra time is baked into the process—it's not something Lucca "wins" because he has fiercely protested or negotiated, which would just perpetuate the power struggles.

Having this clear plan in place is as important for them as it is for Lucca. It provides the structure/roadmap they need to stay the course and not get drawn into a battle. Even when Lucca still pushes and protests, they are able to stay the course, not negotiate.

How to Collaborate with Your Partner to Set More Clear and Effective Limits

Brian and Carlos have a five-year-old, Max, who plays his dads off each other. Brian is inclined to engage in negotiation with Max when he asks for, say, more screen time, while Carlos' approach is to stick to clear limits. This has made for an unhealthy dynamic and increased tension between them, especially when all three are together and their conflict is playing out right in front of Max. 

Here's the solution we come up with that is designed to prevent Brian and Carlos from reacting and sending conflicting messages to Max. They tell Max that they have a new plan: When he makes a request, Dada and Daddy are going to have a "meeting" to consider it and let him know their decision. They are a team and it is their job to decide together what the rules are. They then have their "daddy meeting" in front of him, which goes something like this: 

Brian: So, Max is asking for another episode. I don't blame him—he loves this show and it's so hard to stop. What do you think?

Carlos: I agree—it’s never going to feel like enough screen time for Max. But it's our job to set limits on it, and we agreed that what is healthy is one hour a day. I think it's important that we stick to the limit. 

Brian: Right. What about if we give him this choice: he can use his second 30-minute session now, but that's the end of screen time for the day; or he waits and can watch his other 30 minutes after dinner? So it's still an hour in total, either way.

This satisfies both dads: sticking to the overall limit while giving Max some sense of control.

Taking this approach that slows them down and scaffolds a chance to think it through together has helped them work more collaboratively and have a united response. This has significantly reduced the power struggles with Max with the added benefit that Brian and Carlos feel much more loving and supportive toward each other. This has reduced a lot of stress between them—also a major benefit for Max. 

But the best part is that Max has now started to join their "meetings," chiming in with his own ideas and asking, "Isn't that a good idea?" 

Sometimes his contributions are excellent, like when he asked for two scoops of ice-cream instead of the one they were offering because he wanted two different flavors. As his dads were mulling it over, and he could hear they were going to stick with the limit of one scoop, he suggested: "How about if I have the other scoop tomorrow? Isn't that a good idea?" Other times, his ideas aren't so viable (but can be quite clever and humorous), like when he wanted the more expensive Lego set and proposed that to have enough money for it, they should buy fewer eggs at the store. (He had overheard them talking about how expensive eggs were getting!)

Check out this blog for more on how to collaborate when parents have differing approaches.

Ending Breakfast Battles

Mila and Adam were having daily power struggles with their 5 yo, Brie, to get her to eat breakfast in the morning. They adopted my suggested plan—an approach based on the "division of responsibility" (Ellyn Satter): the parents' job is to offer a range of growing foods; their child's responsibility is to choose what and how much they eat. There is no coaxing, bribing, threats, ultimatums, etc. No trying to control the child’s intake as that leads to pernicious power struggles around food, which becomes weaponized, and ultimately results in kids eating less.

While they understood and agreed with this theory and approach, Mila and Adam felt anxious about leaving food intake in Brie’s hands. especially when it came to breakfast.

So I came up with the added step of offering a to-go container to give her a last chance to fill her belly. If Brie chooses not to come to the table and eat, they would pack the breakfast up for her to have on her way to school. 

But what Mila and Adam found was that knowing she could get a to-go container with the breakfast foods, Brie had no incentive to sit at the breakfast table—an important time of bonding for the family before their days begin and they go their separate ways. 

So Mila and Adam adapted their plan to make the to-go options not as desirable as the table foods. For example, for breakfast they would offer cheesy eggs which Brie loves; the to-go option might be a piece of toast or some dry cereal—less preferred, less special foods for her tastes.

Now, every morning Mila and Adam tell Brie what that morning's food options are: the "table" foods and the "to-go" foods so she can make the best decision for herself. This has been a game-changer. Brie more often than not sits for breakfast. 

Scaffolding for Success with Kids Who Get Easily Overstimulated

Kayla's (7) grandparents visit every two months for a 4-day weekend. Kayla loves these visits, and is generally great through Saturday; but by Sunday, when their ritual is to go to church together as a family and then out to brunch, she is a total wreck. The intensity of their time together, the constant activity, and just the change in routine is taxing to her. She can't sit still in church, complains incessantly, and in the restaurant she completely falls apart. The visit ends miserably. Kayla's parent are angry and frustrated at Kayla for destroying everyone's special time together. Kayla's mom is especially mortified, feeling so ashamed of Kayla's behavior and her parents' silent but palpable judgment. 

After we analyze this scenario in a consult, mom and dad make a major mindshift: Instead of seeing the situation through the lens of, "What's wrong with Kayla, why can't she just get with the program and control herself??", they view her behavior through the lens of temperament and say to themselves, "Kayla is a big reactor who has a hard time with change in routine; she can also get overstimulated very easily and go into high-arousal and dysregulation when she's on system-overload. It's amazing how well she does all weekend with family visiting." 

With this new mindset, they recalibrate by aligning their expectations with Kayla's actual ability to cope. On Sundays, instead of having her go to church and brunch, now mom and Kayla stay home. During this time, they do their own bible studies by reading and discussing its stories, which Kayla loves. Then, she and mom make brunch for the family to have at home after church, scrapping the restaurant. This has made for a much more calm and pleasant experience for all. ⁠⁠

Solving Middle-of-the-Night Wakings

Noah (4) is coming into his dads' room one to two times in the middle of the night. It is very disruptive for everyone. His dads explain to Noah that nighttime is for resting and refueling bodies; daytime is for play, connection, sharing food, cuddling, reading, talking etc. When he wakes them up at night, their bodies don't get the fuel they need—they are all tired in the morning. When he stays in his room until the "okay-to-wake" light goes on, they are all more rested and energetic, which means they will be able to take 10 minutes to do a special activity of his choice before they leave for school, such as reading a favorite book or building together. 

The first night after they explain this new plan, Noah wakes them up once. The next morning he asks for special playtime and they respond: "We can't wait to do that with you but we were all up last night so we don't have time or energy to do that this morning. Maybe tomorrow we'll be able to read and play before school if you stay in your room all night.” They are not angry or punitive. They state this very matter-of-factly and move him through their typical morning tasks.

The next night, Noah doesn't get out of bed; he does call out "I want to come see you" from his room. His dads respond by repeating their special nighttime mantra to him, "We love you, all is well, it's still night, can't wait to see you in the morning" and Noah goes back to sleep. The next morning they do the 10 minutes of special time. Now, most nights, Noah stays in his room all night.

I share this "win" not because it's a slam dunk. I have worked through countless sleep challenges with families for whom this would not be sufficient to result in behavior change. (See resources below to dive deeper into a range of sleep issues.) It's to show that sometimes, a child experiencing the natural consequences of their behavior can be key to resolving the problem. 

I have had families try this with success in situations where a child, for example, won't go to the bathroom without a parent present, even after they are fully potty independent. The parents explain: "You are an amazing 4/5/6 year old who is so good at taking care of your body in the bathroom. That's your job and you do it so well. When we have to come in with you, it takes time away from doing our mommy/daddy jobs, like getting dinner ready. When you do your potty job on your own, without us, it saves us time, which means we can add 5 minutes to playtime before dinner or add that time to books before bed. You decide." This helps kids move beyond their fear and experience that they are fine on their own. It also teaches them that they will get the connection and attention they need, while not creating an association or expectation that pottying is a way to get more time and attention. 

RELATED RESOURCES

Securing Sleep: Key Principles for Helping Your Child Become a Good Sleeper

The Beauty and Benefit of Boundaries at Bedtime

Goodnight Sleep Tight: How to help children cope with nighttime fears