Not-So-Tiny Victory: Getting kids to cooperate

Cecilia and Doug were ensconced in constant battles with their 4-year-old, Lucca. A major trigger was making transitions. Using timers and "warnings" made no difference. Lucca is a master negotiator and five more minutes quickly turned to 10, then 20, and still led to major meltdowns when Cecilia and Doug finally dragged him away from his play. 

Then Cecilia and Doug made a seemingly minor, semantic shift. Lucca loves watching soccer and understands the concept of "extra time." Now, when he is involved in an activity, they put on "timer 1," which signals the official end of play; then they put on "timer 2" for five minutes which they now call "extra time" instead of a "warning." When "extra time" is over, the activity ends. 
 
This has been a game-changer for their family in that it has led to much greater cooperation and many fewer power struggles. Using the concept of "extra time" has given Lucca a much more positive association because of the connection to soccer, and because it feels less threatening than a "warning." This has moved him from his knee-jerk, oppositional mode as soon as time is up, to a more agreeable mode, all while keeping Cecilia and Doug in charge. The key is that it's their plan—the extra time is baked into the process—it's not something Lucca "wins" because he has fiercely protested or negotiated, which would just perpetuate the power struggles.

Having this clear plan in place is as important for them as it is for Lucca. It provides the structure/roadmap they need to stay the course and not get drawn into a battle. Even when Lucca still pushes and protests, they are able to stay the course, not negotiate.