False Facts from the Parenting Industrial Complex
Every week I meet with families who are triggered into major mom (and dad) guilt as a result of messages they are getting about how to be the most loving parent, to get kids to cooperate, and so on, that don't work for their child, and in some cases, exacerbate a behavior they are trying to eliminate.
It's not that the guidance is "wrong," it likely works for many kids; it's that the messages and strategies are often presented as gospel. This leaves parents, for whom these strategies don't work, and whose reality is not reflected in these messages, feeling like failures and that there is something wrong with their child and/or themselves.
What follows are some of the most common false "facts" parents I work with are vexed by. I hope it reduces some of the stress and guilt evoked by these dictates and provides some helpful reframes and offer some effective, alternative strategies.
Making decisions for your child is authoritarian, disrespectful, and erodes your child's autonomy. If you want to be a loving, "gentle" parent, you must always follow your child’s lead, otherwise it sends the message that you don’t care about or respect their needs and interests.
This is a misleading message parents have absorbed in recent years that has been harmful, not supportive, to them and their kids. They have been made to feel that they must always follow their child's lead, otherwise it sends the message that they don’t care about or respect their child’s needs and interests. Not to mention that making decisions for their child is "authoritarian" and erodes their autonomy.
This has left parents feeling hamstrung and impotent, unable to make executive decisions that they instinctively know are good for their kids.
As evolution would have it, human children's brains are not fully developed, nor do they have the life experience, that enables them to always make the healthiest decisions for themselves. It's why kids can't be emancipated until they are 16; indeed, recent research shows that consistent executive functioning is not fully developed until our mid-20's.
Hence, they need you to, and it is your job to, make important decisions that affect their social/emotional development.
Case in Point
Nora (5) was refusing to go to the science museum on a recent family vacation. She just wanted to stay in the hotel. Her parents have learned that this is Nora’s default: she wants to stay in her comfort-zone, she’s a “home body.” But when she isn’t given a choice, an “out,” she usually loves the activity she is resisting. So they didn’t give her a choice. They told her they were going to the museum—that’s the family plan. Once there, she could decide whether or how much to explore and participate.
Spoiler Alert: Nora had a blast and didn’t want to leave the museum.
Of course kids need choices—lots of them. AND, we should not be leaving important decisions that affect their development in their hands.
When your child is spiraling out of control, if you appropriately “co-regulate” and “share your calm,” your child will calm, too.
Co-regulation is the big buzz-word in the world of parenting and child development. For good reason: it is indeed very helpful for kids to have parents who are able to stay calm in the midst of their collapse.
But it is not a failsafe measure that ensures children will calm, especially if you have a big reactor— a child who goes from 0-60 in a nanosecond and whose meltdowns include "slaughterhouse screams" and physical aggression: hitting, spitting, kicking, scratching.
What co-regulationcan doisnotfuel your child's flame or exacerbate their dysregulation. It can result in your child's meltdowns being less frequent and intense. They may calm more quickly and be less destructive.
Case in Point
I just met with a family this week who shared this story: Their 6-year-old, Daniel, had an epic meltdown over the weekend. This included shouting a lot of venom at them and making accusations about their starving him (they had offered him a choice of two healthy snacks but he continued to demand a sweet treat.) They got triggered and responded by shouting back that they had offered him food that he refused so it's his fault he was still hungry, and so on. Daniel became aggressive and destructive. This episode lasted almost an hour with everyone distressed and exhausted.
The next day Daniel had another meltdown, but this time his parents stayed calm; they showed empathy while refraining from over-talking or trying to get Daniel to calm. They remained a quiet presence. While Daniel did not regulate right away, this episode lasted for much less time and Daniel did not become physically destructive, something that almost always happens when his parents get reactive and spiral alongside him. Also of note is that when this incident was over, and Daniel was calm, he showed a lot of remorse for his behavior and could not have been sweeter and more eager for reconnection.
So it's important to keep in mind that co-regulation may not look or feel like what it is "supposed" to look and feel like. It might mean:
Taking a break from your child in order to help yourself calm and avoid reactivity.
Helping your child take a safe space break when they are spiraling out of control and being destructive, and they are not responsive to any calming strategies.
Which leads to the next misleading mantra...
Taking a break from your child when you have reached your breaking point is tantamount to neglect, even abandonment, and is an insensitive rejection of their feelings.
One of the most challenging situations families of big reactors face is what to do when their children are so out of control that they are destructive. They are "going to a category five in a nanosecond" and there is no calming them once they are triggered. Their meltdowns are frequent and intense. In the heat of these "red-zone" moments—when their children are hurling objects, kicking, hitting, biting, scratching and spitting—these parents are pushed to their emotional, and physical, limit. They instinctively know that a break is necessary—for themselves and their children.
The problem is that most families I see have heard that time-out is not developmentally appropriate and can be detrimental to their child; that it is negating children's feelings and tantamount to traumatizing them by abandoning them when they are in distress. What loving parent would do something that could be so harmful to their child?
This leaves these parents in despair, feeling like their hands are tied, totally helpless. It's an awful feeling that is not good for them or their kids.
In fact, breaks are not inherently or necessarily harmful to young children: it’s all in the way they are executed. When parents approach the break calmly and lovingly—not punitively ("Go to your room right now!”)—this tool can be caring, not callous. It creates the space parents and children need to prevent further escalation, and to come back together to solve the problem when they are both calm.
The safe-space breaks I suggest parents give themselves and their children in these most challenging moments are not punitive but loving and supportive. I don’t call them “time-out” because this term has become synonymous with punishment.
Check out this blog to learn more about how to implement safe-space breaks.
You should always validate, process and go deep into exploring feelings when your child is having a difficult moment.
Of course, tuning in to and validating feelings is critically important for children's mental health and for healthy parent-child relationships.
But what I see in a lot of video and audio recordings parents send me, and in stories they tell, is moms and dads repeatedly making supportive statements, along the lines of, "This is a tough moment. I'm here with you,” and asking about feelings, which is resulting in their kids getting more dysregulated. Their goal--to stay connected and help their kids calm--is actually leading to escalation.
When we analyze these encounters, parents share that they engage in this constant (excessive) validation because they have gauged from the voluminous amount of parenting guidance they have digested that leaning deep into feelings is ALWAYS what kids need; that not doing so sends the message that they don’t care or want to hear about their child’s feelings. So even when they can see that their response is not helping, and may even be backfiring, they persist for fear that their child will get the wrong message.
This notion has had a very detrimental effect on many of the families I work with.
Indeed, it is very important to show children that they are seen, and that you understand and accept ALL of their emotions. The issue is that when kids are in “red zone," the more their parents talk and seek to engage, the more overwhelmed they get. Validating feelings, "I know, you're really angry,” results in children shouting, "I AM NOT ANGRY!!" When children are in this high-arousal, agitated state, they are not able to absorb the meaning and intention of their parents’ supportive words. Too much language is intrusive and overwhelming to their brains.More is not better in these moments.
It's also generally not helpful to kids to go deep into feelings, to try to process why they are having a hard time, when they need to make an important transition, like get to school or the doctor on time, or to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I know this sounds harsh, but in practice, in these moments, exploring feelings in depth often overwhelms and dysregulates children further and doesn't help them cope and adapt. They get mired and stuck in the emotions and can't move forward.
Case in Point
When my daughter, Jess, was seven, she went through a period when she woke up really cranky and out-of-sorts. She begged not to go to school. I leaned in hard and tried to get her to talk about what was bothering her. This only resulted in her getting more irritable and defensive, and pushing me away. It also meant her getting to school late for several days, decidedly not healthy for her.
Then I consulted a very wise colleague for help. In so many words, she said that what Jess needed from me was to empathize with how hard mornings can be and that feeling cranky is fine—we all have those moments. I should also be clear that going to school is (what I now call) a ‘have-to’, and then to focus on helping Jess move through the difficult morning to show her I believed she could be in a bad moodandmanage to go to school. The morning I started to take this approach, I watched Jess walk out the door, despondent, shoulders slumped. My heart was in my stomach. I was an emotional wreck all day expecting a call from the school nurse or that Jess would come home in tears. But at 3:05, there she was, sauntering down the street, skipping along with a neighborhood friend, all smiles. She had a great day. Lesson learned!
Of course there are times when your child is struggling with feelings that need to be heard and processed, maybe there are some challenges at school, academically or socially, that are making them not want to go. The question is when and how the best time is to explore these feelings and issues.
Check outthis blogfor more on what your child needs when they're having a tough moment or big feelings.
"The level of cooperation parents get from their children is usually equal to the level of connection children feel with their parent." (Post on a popular IG account)
This post went on to say that “When their cup is full, cooperation flows more easily.”
What about the kids whose cups never feel full? Who are bottomless pits—it never feels like enough?
What about the kids who are wired to be heat-seeking missiles for power; who see any bid for cooperation as fodder for a fight, no matter how securely and lovingly they are connected to their parents?
Parents of big reactors are already stressed—it's exhausting to have a child who goes from 0-100 in a nanosecond and is fueled by a fight. The last thing they need is to be made to feel worse—like their child would magically be more cooperative if they would just fill their cup.
I hear stories every day of parents engaging in the most loving cuddle time at bedtime, sometimes for 15 minutes or more, and their kids still lose it and won't let them leave. Or, parents who carve out "special time" every day with their children, but they still refuse to come to the dinner table or put their toys away when it's time for cleaning up.
Here's what loving connection looks like with a big reactor:
A parent as calmly as possible moving a child into the car when it's time to go to school and the child refuses to do it on their own.
A parent sitting on the other side of the door as their child screams for them to read them the 10th book at bedtime. This prevents outcomes that are truly detrimental to the child: power struggles and loss of sleep.
Which leads us to a related false “fact”…
Special time is a panacea that guarantees that your child will be more cooperative.
Many parents I meet with have gone through programs that are predicated on special time being a cure-all; that if they spend 15 or 20 minutes with their child, completely focused on them, they will magically: cooperate with all tasks and all directions; not throw tantrums; sit at the dinner table and choose only healthy foods; go to bed happily and stay there until morning; be in a good mood all the time, etc.
While some families find that incorporating special time into their daily routine results in positive changes—kids being more cooperative and content—for others it does not lead to a reduction in challenging behaviors. Those parents often give up.
Please don’t. Special time is very important, regardless of whether you see observable changes in your child's behavior. Especially in this day and age of hectic family life, having even a small amount of protected, uninterrupted time to connect and share joy is meaningful and fortifying for all. Just manage your expectations. If it results in behavior change, great. If not, don't give it up. Over time, it strengthens relationships and can have very positive, longer-term outcomes for kids and parents.