Don’t Give Up On Your Limits So Easily

Ari (4) was coming in and out of his room for hours after lights-out. His parents, Jen and Arash, had tried everything: making it a game (could he win the gold medal by staying in his room all night?), rewards, bribes, threats. Nothing was working.

Jen and Arash ultimately implemented a plan that included putting a boundary on his door. One of them sat on the other side of the door and played some quiet music so he knew they were out there. The first night he screamed and protested for 30 minutes. By night three, it was down to about five minutes. We all hoped/expected that given this trajectory, within the week the protests would cease. But they didn't. Despite Jen and Arash following the same exact plan every night—reading for 15 minutes, 5 minutes of cuddle time, a kiss goodnight and then one parent sitting outside the door—Ari continued to scream at the top of his lungs for 5 minutes before falling asleep, well into week two.

Jen and Arash reported back that the plan wasn't working and were going to abandon it.

Au contraire. How so?

The purpose of a limit is not to change your child's behavior. No matter how much loving preparation and support your provide, no matter how clear and consistent your limits, you can't control your child or make them do anything, like stop screaming. 

The purpose of the limit is to stay in charge in the positive way your child needs you to be, and to avoid the pernicious power struggles that are so detrimental and destructive to both kids and parents. 

In this case, implementing the plan achieved these very positive outcomes for Ari as well as Jen and Arash:  

• Jen and Arash had lost their joy in the bedtime routine. The one time of day they have to slow down and share a loving connection with their child was fraught with anxiety as they dreaded the inevitable, nightly battle to try to make Ari stay in bed, which tainted the whole experience for everyone. Knowing they had a plan to prevent the battle, and that they could count on a clear end to bedtime, Jen and Arash became more calm and present as they read books and had cuddle-time with Ari. They were no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now the bedtime routine is a time of bonding—precisely what they all need at the end of the day.  

• Their harsh, angry reaction to Ari every time he eloped from his room was sending very negative messages that were being internalized by Ari—that he was the difficult kid who was making mom and dad very unhappy. Now, Jen and Arash have more positive feelings toward Ari. They are no longer annoyed and frustrated at his refusal to cooperate, which was making them feel incompetent and out of control.

• Jen and Arash can now count on having more personal time in the evenings to fortify themselves after a long day. Having this time to refuel is critical to their having the energy to show up for Ari as their best selves every day and be the parents they want to be. And, they are no longer angry at Ari for cutting into the time they desperately need for themselves in the evening. 
  
  Looking at it from this perspective, and seeing that screaming for five minutes before he fell asleep was not harmful for Ari, enabled Jen and Arash to stay the course and not give up. They saw that Ari was no worse for wear in the mornings; he was cheerful and happy to see them, he was not holding the grudge they worried he was harboring. 
  
  Postscript 
  After three weeks, no more screaming. Ari went contentedly to sleep. Why Ari needed to scream all those nights when it had no effect on the process—it didn't result in his parents coming back in or letting him out of the room—we may never know. ⁠This life-changing outcome has led to Jen and Arash feeling more comfortable setting and sticking to other limits which has resulted in Ari becoming more cooperative and adaptable. overall.
  
  The take-home: Don't assess the value of your limit based on your child's reaction; and don't give up too easily! If the limit is important for your child's health and well-being, and yours!, stay the course. 
  
  Check out these blogs for more on tackling sleep challenges.