Stopping Sass and Rudeness
Complaints about kids being sassy, rude, and "obnoxious" are rampant in my consults and come up in almost every Q & A I do, like this recent query: "We’re really struggling with (our 7-year-old) using rude words towards parents/siblings or about things he doesn’t like; for example, 'shut up, you’re dumb, this sucks,' etc. And then back talk, walking away when I try to talk with him, or rolling his eyes when corrected."
Then there was this audio recording a client, "Melanie", recently shared of an encounter with her four-year-old, "Paige":
Melanie: You need to eat at the table.
Paige: You need to eat at the table. (Said with serious sass.)
Melanie: I mean it. The pretzels will have to go away if you don’t go to the table.
Paige: I mean it. The pretzels will have to go away if you don’t go to the table.
Melanie: You’ll have to go to the time-out chair if you don’t stop copying me.
Paige: You’ll have to go to the time-out chair if you don’t...say hello. (Giggles maniacally) Na-na! I don’t have to go to time-out. I didn’t copy! I said ‘hello’!
I could feel my own blood boiling just listening to this recording, in empathy with this mom, and knew it was time to put "pen to paper" and offer some guidance that I hope will be helpful for how to most effectively respond to rude behavior.
What You Can Do
Before I dive in to offering guidance, I want to preface what follows (and all the guidance I have ever given and will offer in the future) by making clear: there is no one-size-fits-all approach to solving child rearing challenges. It is not an exact science. If you consulted 10 child development "experts" about any given behavior, you might get 10 very different responses (as any of you who spend time on IG know all too well.)
Further, what works for one child in one situation, may not work for another, or even for the same child in a different situation!
Consequently, my commitment to the families who seek my consultation, and to readers of my content, is to make evident the thought process that informs the strategies I offer, so you can decide it if makes sense and resonates with you and what you know about your child.
In other words, when I share these stories from my practice, it's not to say that this is THE way to handle the situation or behavior; it's to share insights, ideas, and lessons learned from the trenches that you may be able to adapt and apply to your own unique child and family.
The Process I Undertake to Make Sense of and Address a Challenging Behavior
Here is the set of questions I work through with the family to understand the root cause of the behavior and to keep us focused on what the parents control—themselves and their reactions—not what they don't control: their child.
What do we know about their child; what makes them tick?
What do we think is the function of the behavior? What is the child feeling, trying to communicate? What problem/conflict are they trying to solve?
What is the lesson the parent wants to teach their child about this behavior?
What is within the parent's power and control to teach this lesson; that doesn't depend on the child's cooperation? This step is key. The primary pitfall in almost every situation parents seek my help to solve is trying to convince their kids to change their minds and behavior—in this case, to stop being sassy and rude—which is the one thing they have no control over.
Applying the Process
What do we know about what makes Paige tick?
No, Paige is not a sociopath. She is a fierce, extremely bright and clever child who is a heat-seeking missile when it comes to being in charge and asserting power. She doesn't like to be told what to do and she has very big reactions to not getting what she wants.
What do we think the function of this behavior is? What is Paige feeling and trying to communicate? What problem is she trying to solve?
Paige doesn't like limits. Her anger and disappointment launch her into "downstairs brain" mode; she gets very dysregulated and purges her big feelings by being VERY provocative. She mimics and consistently tells her parents that she is going to "kill them dead" or put them in jail when they deny a desire. Her provocative, inflammatory statements get her parents haunches up which reinforces this behavior (as you've heard, any attention is reinforcing.) And the cycle continues.
What is the lesson her parents want to teach her?
That this behavior is unacceptable…and to stop doing it!
What do Paige's parentsnotcontrol in this situation?
Paige. What she says or what she does. Only she controls what comes out of her mouth and what she does with her body. So, we are not going to go down the path of trying to convince her to stop using these tactics and language. Indeed, history shows that trying to control her only increases the unwanted behaviors.
What do Paige's parents control? What actions can they take tonotreinforce, and hopefully reduce, this unwanted behavior and teach her the lesson that this behavior is not acceptable.
Since Paige's behavior is reinforced by big reactions—essentially by successfully yanking her parents’ chains—we decide that the antidote is...to not let their chain be yanked. That would diffuse the power of the provocation and teach, with their actions, the important lesson that this kind of talk is not effective in getting what she wants—be it attention or a desired object or activity.
In this case, Paige wanted a treat from the pantry. When Melanie guided her out of the pantry, Paige started in with the mimicry. The more Melanie chided and threatened that Paige would have to go to the time-out chair, the more wound up and provocative Paige became. (NOTE: Melanie’s use of the time-out chair is because they were doing PCIT—a behavioral intervention that works for some families but tends to not be effective and often backfires for the families who end up coming to see me when PCIT doesn't work. It is very formulaic and doesn't take into consideration the child's unique temperament or underlying psychology that is the root cause of the unwanted behavior. It was decidedly not working for this family.)
The Strategies
Based on our insights and analysis, we come up with a menu of approaches Melanie might take that would not fuel the unwanted behavior and maximize the chance that it will be mitigated.
Melanie will always address the underlying feeling and challenge Paige is struggling with, but not pay attention to the mimicry/disrespectful talk: "I know you're upset that I wouldn't let you get a treat from the pantry.”
In a quiet moment, Melanie tells Paige that she understands how hard it is for her when she can’t have something she wants. She reminds Paige that “all feelings are welcome, all behavior is not.” (Props to Aliza Pressman/Raising Good Humans.) Melanie goes on to explain that it’s her job as the mom to teach Paige to use respectful language. Here is how she’s going to do that: When Paige expresses her feelings in ways that are not respectful, Melanie will say, “Redo!” That is how Melanie is going to be a helper—by using this cue to give Paige a chance to change her language and tone. If Paige chooses not to stop with the disrespectful language, mom is not going to respond but just move on. She will not be ignoring Paige, she will just not be responding to the unacceptable language. This message is important for Melanie to share as she thinks it will help her follow through with this plan. Historically, when she has not responded to Paige’s rudeness, Paige accuses her of ignoring her which is very triggering to Melanie. She finds herself becoming very defensive which escalates the encounter. She feels (hopes) that explaining this in advance, in a quiet moment when Paige is regulated, that she will feel more comfortable following through with ignoring this sass.
This approach is designed to teach the lesson through action, not reaction. Note that it doesn't include any schooling or shaming—typical knee-jerk responses for most parents (“You can’t talk to me like this!” etc.)—that tend to get kids’ haunches up and fuel the flames. (Remember, the limit is the lesson! These kids tend to HATE corrections and get so angry and defensive that it just leads to escalation, not resolution.)
Other strategies that have worked for some families include:
Doing the opposite of what your child is trying to provoke. You meet their sass with kindness and connection. In this case, when Paige starts to mimic, Melanie might look Paige in the eye and say: "I can't wait to see what we can make with all these blocks!" as she starts to build. This diffuses the power of the unwanted behavior and shows your child that you are not going to participate in the negative encounter they are trying to engage you in.
Just give a look. This is a minimalistic approach that can be very effective. You look at your child with that expression that says, “Really…” and move on. This has been a game-changer for some families.
When None of these Strategies Work
If your child persists in saying "stupid" or "You're an idiot" and so on, to you or their siblings, here are some tools parent have found effective.
Teach about “solo” versus “group” behavior
In a quiet moment with your child, explain that any time we are with other people, we are in a group, even if we’re just with one other person. Give examples of school, playdates, eating a meal together, playing with a sibling. When we are alone, we are solo. There are different rules for being with groups and being solo. For example, in a group, there is a need to take turns, to be respectful while other people are talking, to use kind words and gentle bodies. When we are solo, we can say and do what we want because it doesn't affect others. So, the rule is: If anyone is having a hard time following the group rules, it means they need solo time where they are free to use their voices and bodies however they like.
What is solo time? In my practice it’s also called taking a “safe-space break.” To learn more about using this tool, see this blog. In short, it’s a place where a child can be when they are either being unsafe with their words or body that has a boundary- so they can’t keep running in and out and escalate and control the situation. It’s not punishment; it’s a tool to prevent power struggles and to stop unwanted, detrimental behaviors when you are not able to get your child to regulate themselves.
Take Your Own Solo Break
This is another strategy many of my families have found effective in situations when a child is haranguing you with sass/rudeness and you don’t feel comfortable using a safe space for your child or you aren’t physically able to guide your child into a solo space. You take your own solo space break.
It may go something like this: “I can see you’re having a hard time with a redo. I can’t make you stop talking to me with disrespect, but it’s very uncomfortable for me so I am going to take my own break. I’ll be out in a few minutes and we can try again."
At the end of the day, you can't stop your child from mimicking or talking rudely; that is something you have no control over. What you can do is change your reaction in a way that doesn’t reinforce or enable it.
Related Resources
Safe Space Breaks: When Giving Your Child (And Yourself!) A Break Can Be Helpful, Not Harmful
Your Child is Not a Sociopath: Why Children Laugh, Evade, or Get Angry When Being Corrected
When Setting Limits Gets Physical
"Mommy, You Are A Toilethead!" Why Not to Take Your Child's Words and Actions At Face Value
You're Not the Boss Of ME! How to respond to back-talk and other provocative proclamations from the mouths of babes