Not-So-Tiny Victory: How parents collaborate to set clear and effective limits

Brian and Carlos have a five-year-old, Max, who plays his dads off each other. Brian is inclined to engage in negotiation with Max when he asks for, say, more screen time, while Carlos' approach is to stick to clear limits. This has made for an unhealthy dynamic and increased tension between them, especially when all three are together and their conflict is playing out right in front of Max. 

Here's the solution we come up with that is designed to prevent Brian and Carlos from reacting and sending conflicting messages to Max. They tell Max that they have a new plan: When he makes a request, Dada and Daddy are going to have a "meeting" to consider it and let him know their decision. They are a team and it is their job to decide together what the rules are. They then have their "daddy meeting" in front of him, which goes something like this: 

Brian: So, Max is asking for another episode. I don't blame him—he loves this show and it's so hard to stop. What do you think?

Carlos: I agree—it’s never going to feel like enough screen time for Max. But it's our job to set limits on it, and we agreed that what is healthy is one hour a day. I think it's important that we stick to the limit. 

Brian: Right. What about if we give him this choice: he can use his second 30-minute session now, but that's the end of screen time for the day; or he waits and can watch his other 30 minutes after dinner? So it's still an hour in total, either way.

This satisfies both dads: sticking to the overall limit while giving Max some sense of control.

Taking this approach that slows them down and scaffolds a chance to think it through together has helped them work more collaboratively and have a united response. This has significantly reduced the power struggles with Max with the added benefit that Brian and Carlos feel much more loving and supportive toward each other. This has reduced a lot of stress between them—also a major benefit for Max. 

But the best part is that Max has now started to join their "meetings," chiming in with his own ideas and asking, "Isn't that a good idea?" 

Sometimes his contributions are excellent, like when he asked for two scoops of ice-cream instead of the one they were offering because he wanted two different flavors. As his dads were mulling it over, and he could hear they were going to stick with the limit of one scoop, he suggested: "How about if I have the other scoop tomorrow? Isn't that a good idea?" Other times, his ideas aren't so viable (but can be quite clever and humorous), like when he wanted the more expensive Lego set and proposed that to have enough money for it, they should buy fewer eggs at the store. (He had overheard them talking about how expensive eggs were getting!)

Check out this blog for more on how to collaborate when parents have differing approaches.