Sore Losers: How to help them cope with competition

Leo is the worst sore loser. We can't play any family games because he goes nuts if he doesn't win. Even though he's great at soccer and makes a lot of goals, the second someone blocks one of his attempts to get the ball into the net he starts screaming that it's unfair and storms off the field. It's embarrassing and I worry about how other kids see him and if they are going to want to stop playing with him.

Being a perfectionist and having a very low tolerance for losing go hand-in-hand and makes competitive activities especially stressful for kids who struggle with these issues. To cope and protect themselves from the discomfort and shame that gets triggered when they lose, highly sensitive (HS) kids try to manipulate the game to win (aka "cheat") or they get angry and quit. In a time long ago, before COVID, I was playing Connect Four with five-year-old Lucy on a home visit. She made the first move. When it was my turn, I dropped my piece into the slot next to hers—the obvious move. Lucy immediately got revved up and explained, “No, Ms. Claire, I tell you where you can put your pieces.”

What you can do:

• Acknowledge and accept your child's feelings. It’s very important not to miss this first step of validation. “Losing feels really hard. It makes you very upset and angry and you want to stop playing.” You have to start where your child is at if you want to open her up to rethinking her reaction. 

• Reality test. At the same time, explain that losing is a part of life. It happens to everyone, and you can help her learn to cope in these moments so that she can enjoy a whole range of activities and not feel the need to quit.  

• Tell the story of what happened. Recount the experience matter-of-factly, without judgment. This helps children look at these situations more objectively. "You kicked the ball. Ellie blocked it from going into the goal. That was frustrating and upsetting to you. You wanted to make a goal so badly. Your feelings were so big and overwhelming that you decided not to play anymore." 

• Help your child think through the natural outcome of her choices. If you're like most parents, because you love your child so much and worry about the negative consequences of her being a sore loser, your knee-jerk reaction might be to start schooling her on the negative outcome of her reactions: "No one is going to want to play with you." "You'll never get better at soccer if you keep quitting."  But these kinds of responses are likely to increase your child's feelings of shame and result in a defensive posture that doesn't help your child work through her feelings. Instead, after recounting the story of what happened, ask questions that get her wheels turning, such as: "After you quit the game, what happened? How did you feel? What do you think the other kids were thinking? Is there a different way you would have liked it to end? How could you make that happen?" Approaching it this way—seeking to understand without criticism or judgment—provides an opportunity for your child to make connections between her actions and their outcomes. In my encounter with Lucy, I responded: “Hmm…It’s not really fun for me to play the game if I can’t make my own choices. So let me know whether you are okay with us each being in charge of what we do when it’s our turn, or we can choose something else to play. Why don't you take a minute to think about what you'd like to do.” Being able to look at the natural consequences of her actions without feeling shamed or judged, Lucy decided to keep playing and let me decide where to put my discs. (But she couldn't resist asking me at every move whether I really wanted to choose that space!)

Here’s another instructive story from the trenches

Max (7) is playing in a basketball game. His dad, Peter, is in the stands and sees that Max is getting increasingly frustrated that no one is passing the ball to him. Just as Peter fears—because Max has a history of sore-losing and blaming it on unfair tactics—Max ultimately storms off the court to where Peter is sitting. Max pretends that the reason he left the game is because there is something in his eye; he doesn't want anyone to think he’s crying. Then he blurts out to Peter: “It's not fair! No one is passing the ball to me so I can't make any baskets!”

With the best of intentions, Peter launches right into encouragement/cheerleading/problem-solving mode: "That happens in games. You can't always get the ball or a basket. What do you think your teammates and coach will think about you walking off? You have to get back out there, buddy."

Max responds: "Stop talking to me right now!! You are so annoying!" as he starts to push angrily into Peter. Peter admonishes Max for getting aggressive. This ultimately leads to Max running out of the gym. Peter is feeling distraught about how this behavior will affect his continued participation on this team, how his peers see him, and how in the world he is ever going to be able to teach Max how to be more resilient. 

Our Analysis

Max is a highly sensitive child. He is very self-conscious and focused on how others see his performance. He seeks a lot of praise and needs a lot of external reinforcement.

After we process this incident, Peter is able to see why his response may have backfired; that his intended encouragement was not experienced as motivating, but as added stress. Max is very tuned in to the fact that Peter is disappointed in him; that he wanted Max to be able to buck up and bounce back, which Max was not ready or able to do in that moment. This left Max feeling pressured, alone and misunderstood, making it less likely he would feel confident to get back out there and learn to cope with the challenges of a competitive sport—Peter’s ultimate hope for Max.

The Plan

Peter leads with empathy: "Playing team sports can be challenging and frustrating. You don’t like it when you don’t make baskets or goals and it makes you want to stop playing.” Starting where your child is at maximizes the chance they will be open to rethinking their perspective which can change their reactions. 

Peter lets Max know he is not alone in his feelings or with this experience: "It took me a long time to get comfortable with not always being the best on the team, and not making the goals and baskets I wanted. I ended up deciding that I would try to manage the frustration and disappointment that can happen in team sports because I didn't want to give up playing those games with my friends." 

Peter tells the story of what happened. He recounts the experience matter-of-factly, without judgment, to help Max look at these situations more objectively. "You were open and wanted your teammate to pass the ball to you so you could try for a basket. He kept throwing the ball to other children, or he went to the basket himself. You really want to make baskets and goals when you play sports. When that doesn’t happen, it’s very disappointing. Your feelings were so big and overwhelming that you decided not to play anymore." 

Peter helps Max think through the natural outcome of his choices.  He moves from making statements like, "No one is going to want to play with you." "You'll never get better at basketball if you keep quitting," as he knows these kinds of responses increase Max’s feelings of shame and result in a defensive posture that doesn't help him work through the challenge. Instead, after recounting the story of what happened, Peter asks non-judgmental questions:

• After you quit the game, what happened? How did you feel?

• How do you think quitting made your coach and teammates feel? Is that how you want them to feel about you? 

• Is there a different way you would have liked to respond to this challenging situation? How could you make that happen? How can I help you with that?

This approach—seeking to understand without criticism or judgment—provides an opportunity for children to make connections between their actions and outcomes.

Peter uses his interactions with Max as teachable moments: “I love playing games with you and I know how hard it is when you don’t win, or you don’t perform the way you want. But it’s not fun for me when you accuse me of cheating, change the rules, or attack me. If you’re having a hard time, I can help you calm and move on so we can keep playing. If you’re not able to do that, we will take a break from the game.” He communicates this without frustration and annoyance. He calmly acknowledges the difficult moment and sets boundaries that he hopes will help Max learn to cope better in these situations.

In the heat-of-the-moment, Peter avoids telling Max what to do, as that always leads to a defensive reaction. Instead, he positions himself as a person who will help Max think through these tricky situations: "Looks like your options are to take some deep breaths and go back into the game or take a break and then figure out how you want to proceed. Which do you think is a better choice for you?" 

The Outcome

Now that Peter is no longer trying to change Max's behavior and is giving him the space and opportunity to figure things out for himself, Max is calming more quickly and is sometimes open to engaging in a reflective process to think through these difficult situations. This is what gives Max the best chance of building the resilience Peter knows would be so good for him. When Peter sets a limit when Max gets revved up and aggressive during a game they are engaged in, Max is now more likely to pull himself together so they can keep playing. All told, this change in approach has solidified a strong bond between Peter and Max, who now feels seen, understood, and respected by his dad. 

And One More Thing…

Related to this constellation of behaviors is the tendency for HS children to also tease others when they fail. They might laugh at a peer who misses the ball thrown to him or who gives the wrong answer to a question at school. When they see peers struggling, it triggers their own feelings of vulnerability. Projecting these feelings onto others is a way to cope with difficult emotions that are hard to tolerate. While your knee-jerk reaction may be to come down hard on your child for being unkind, that can backfire. The shame children experience when being reprimanded shuts them down. They become very defensive. This doesn’t lead to any learning or positive change. I find that the most effective way to respond when your child makes fun of others is to help him think through the encounter without any criticism or judgment: “Malcolm missed the goal. How do you think that made him feel?” “What’s it like for you when you make a mistake or don’t do something perfectly?” “How do you think Malcolm felt when you made fun of his missing the goal?” This opens children up to reflect on their actions which makes it much more likely they will ultimately change their mindset and thus their behavior.

This article is part of a series on understanding and supporting highly sensitive children. You can check out other installments in this series, here.