Happy Children Aren’t Always Happy: Eight Pivotal Parenting Pitfalls and How to Prevent Them
It is my privilege to work every day with the most loving, sensitive parents of young children who are struggling to understand and respond most effectively to their children's challenging behaviors. Their stories are sometimes hilarious, like the feisty 3-year-old who suggested that if the reason she couldn’t have the candy at the grocery store was because daddy didn’t have enough money with him, they should just put back the eggs. But many are heartbreaking, like the myriad of parents who despair that the three precious waking hours they have with their children each night are spent in power struggles and negotiations. Lots of aggravation and little joy.
While the path to solving the range of challenges parents face is different for each family, I have found that there are a number of pivotal parenting pitfalls that cause a lot of frustration and stress—for parents and kids. Once we identify them, parents have that “aha” moment that leads to important insights and the ability to make the positive changes they are seeking. Often, it’s a matter of making a “mindshift”—seeing a behavior in a developmental context and through the eyes of their child—that helps parents tune in to the meaning of the behavior which enables them to move from anger and frustration to empathy.
These insights guide me, too, as I continue to work towards being the best parent I can be to my children, now in their late 20’s. Truth be told, rarely a day goes by that I don’t feel the sting of regret at how much less anxious and reactive I might have been when my kids were growing up, how much calmer and less stressed I would have been, and how much more pleasure I would have experienced, had I been mindful of and practiced these principles myself. I wish I had understood that happy children aren't always happy; that while learning to deal with life’s frustrations and disappointments involves children feeling uncomfortable and unhappy at times. It’s muscling through these challenges that builds resilience and strong coping skills. So, when parents ask me if it’s too late for their child—fearing they’ve already “ruined” him (even at the ripe age of 3)—I can tell them the good news: it’s never too late.
Pitfalls to Positive Parenting
Unrealistic expectations for your child’s ability to exercise self-regulation. I find that parents often expect that their young children have much greater ability for self-control than they are actually capable of. Toddlers and most preschoolers are driven by emotions, not logic, so irrational behavior is normal and expected. Trying to use reason and logic to get them to cooperate is rarely a useful endeavor. The part of the brain that enables us to think about and manage our feelings and impulses is not well-developed in children under six years of age. Expecting more from your child than she is capable of can lead to a lot of frustration for both you and her. Further, having appropriate expectations is critical because the meaning you assign to your child’s behavior influences how you react. If you think your child is purposefully breaking rules or driving you crazy, you are much more likely to react in harsh ways that escalate, instead of calm, her. If you see these behaviors in the context of normal development, you are more likely to approach your child with empathy and appreciate these moments as opportunities to help her problem-solve and teach coping skills; to set clear and appropriate limits and boundaries while remaining calm and loving.
2. Minimizing or avoiding your child’s feelings. Because we love our kids so deeply it is hard to see them struggle with difficult feelings. We just want to make them go away because we think it’s harmful to them to feel sad, angry, scared, jealous, etc. They tell us they are sad about going to a new school and we jump in to explain all the ways it is going to be so much more awesome than their old school. They express worry about going to swim class and we tell them there is nothing to be scared of. But ignoring or minimizing feelings doesn’t make them magically disappear, they just get “acted-out” through behaviors (often negative) that can lead to more stress, not less, for your child…and you. They say they have a belly ache and can’t go to school. They refuse to get in the pool at swim lessons.
When we avoid our children’s feelings, we send the message that we are uncomfortable with them. This makes it less likely children will share their feelings with us, depriving them of a chance to express and work them through. Sadness and joy, anger and love, can co-exist and are all part of the collection of emotions children experience. So, it’s important to get comfortable with your child’s discomfort. Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are. It’s what children (and we adults!) do with our feelings that can be problematic. When you help your child understand his feelings, he is better equipped to manage them effectively.
3. Living in terror of the tantrum. The root cause of challenges with limit-setting for many parents is that they are driven by fear of the tantrum which they are trying to avoid at any cost. The problem is that the cost can be substantial: it results in the child driving the car, calling the shots, and parents getting increasingly angry and resentful of their child for making them feel out of control. It’s important to keep reminding yourself that kids have parents for a reason. They need and depend on limits and boundaries. Just because a child doesn’t like a rule, and is unhappy in the moment, doesn’t mean it’s not good for him. (I have yet to hear a child say, “Thanks, Dad, for taking the tablet away so I can spend time doing more enriching activities.”) Setting and enforcing clear boundaries is actually one of the most loving things you can do for your child. Learning to accept limits leads to flexibility and the development of effective coping strategies: accepting a cheese stick instead of candy or finding another toy to play with when the one they want is off-limits. This ability to adapt is what ultimately makes children happy and helps them be successful in the outside world.
4. Setting limits you can’t enforce. On one home visit after another, it has become clear that one key factor that gets in the way of parents’ feeling effective at setting a limit is that it is often dependent on the child’s cooperation—to clean up her toys, get into his PJs, or climb happily into the car seat. The problem is that you can’t actually physically make your child do these things. Any time you are waiting for your child to follow a direction or trying to convince her to cooperate, she is in control. You can demand repeatedly that she not throw a ball in the house or to stay in her room after lights-out, but unless you have a plan for how you are going to follow through on the limit you are trying to set, your child is in the driver’s seat and she knows it. This is not good for her or for you. So, as you go about setting limits, keep in mind that a limit is only as effective as your ability to implement it. You can’t make a child get in her car seat, but you can give her the choice between climbing in herself or having you put her in. You can’t make a child stay in his room after bedtime, but you can put up a gate to provide a boundary that prevents having to continuously (and with increasing annoyance—not good for anyone) escort your child back to bed. Knowing exactly what their choices and consequences are is what helps children learn to make good decisions.
5. Seeing your child as manipulative when she is really being strategic. Children are driven to get what they want and will use any tools at their disposal that help them reach their goal. They are not fascist dictators (although that's how it often feels.) If throwing a tantrum results in extra iPad time, a later bedtime, or simply getting more of your attention, your toddler is putting two and two together, making an important assessment: “Excellent strategy! Put that one in the win column.” This is not manipulation, it is being strategic. Seeing their behavior through this lens can reduce your anger (and horror) and instead help you appreciate what a good job you have done raising a clever child. This puts you in a mindset that makes it more likely you will respond calmly and clarity about the rules and expectations, and not let the strategies you don’t want your child to rely on, work.
6. Taking the bait and reacting to provocative behavior: I hate you—you are the meanest mommy! You are not invited to my birthday party! Sound familiar? Young children are unbelievably clever; they are highly skilled at tuning in to what yanks their parents’ chains and gets them in the jugular. My most recent favorite from a clever and feisty 4-year-old: I am going to take your voice box and throw it away! (when told there would be no 6th book at bedtime). While this feels so wrong, and is extremely exasperating, children are just trying to communicate how deeply they disagree with or don’t like the limit you are setting. They want to divert you so they can gain the control they so desperately want and yet have so little of. Any reaction to this behavior reinforces it, even if your response is negative. The best way to respond to bait? Ignore it. This doesn’t mean you ignore your child—you just don’t engage around the provocative behavior. Instead, acknowledge the underlying feeling: “You are mad I won’t let you climb on the counter to get to the candy. I totally understand why you don’t like the rule. I don’t expect you to. I am going to build a house for our dinosaurs. I’d love a helper when you’re ready.” This shows your child that you will not participate in an unhealthy dynamic but are happy to engage with him in something positive and productive. You can't make your child stop trying to draw you in to the struggle, but you can refuse to keep the detrimental dance going.
7. Talking too much and trying to problem-solve when children are in distress mode. Most of us tend to feel a need to either try to talk our children out of their upset, reason with them, or teach them a lesson. When children are triggered, they are on system-overload; the more you talk, especially if you are shaming (“Why would you hurt your brother?” “Look at how sad your friend is that you knocked down his tower”) the more likely your child is to escalate further. Children are not able to take in any information when they are in “red-zone.”
You can process the experience once your child is calm and begin to help her make a connection between her emotions and her actions: “You were mad mommy had to feed baby and couldn’t play with you. Sometimes when you’re mad you lose control of your body and hit. I know you don’t mean to be hurtful. Let’s brainstorm other ways to be mad.” (It is very important to send this message to children—that they are not being intentionally harmful—so they don’t internalize feelings about themselves as being the “bad”, “aggressive” child as that only nurtures a negative self-image and begets more challenging behaviors.)
Resist the temptation to ask your child why he did what he did. Young children are acting on impulse, not with premeditation. They often don’t know what triggered their reaction. When we ask them for a reason for their behavior, they feel compelled to come up with a response, so they often make up something that sounds logical that isn’t necessarily accurate.
Also keep in mind that when young children won’t look you in the eye, laugh, or run away when you are talking to them about a behavior that is not acceptable, it does not mean they are sociopaths with no empathy. Often the opposite is true: the kids who respond this way are often the most sensitive and tuned in to other’s emotions and reactions. They get flooded with shame when being corrected and their discomfort results in laughter or turning away to protect themselves from the intensity of the interaction.
When kids are in “red zone” they need you to be a soothing, loving presence until they can get calm. Then you can process what happened and how he you can help him resolve whatever the problem was, or deal with it differently next time…and the time after that. (Check out these blogs to learn more about how to help manage challenging behaviors.)
8. Solving your child’s problems. It’s a natural, human reaction to feel uncomfortable when we see our children struggle. Our knee-jerk response is often to rescue or “fix” whatever is causing our children distress. (One cry of frustration from my 3-year-old challenged by a puzzle resulted in my instantaneous, mom-to-the-rescue response—fitting the pieces in their correct spaces to make him feel all better—setting a pattern of him relying on me to be the fixer for years to come.) When parents solve their children’s problems, they are missing opportunities to help them develop the confidence that they can master new skills. In helping make it all better--so our children won’t feel bad about themselves--we are actually doing the opposite: we send the message that they are not capable of mastering the challenges they face, and that only adults can solve their problems. (This, by the way, can lead to placing blame on their parents for everything as they grow!)
See your child as a partner in solving problems. Starting at around 2.5 to 3 years of age, children begin to understand logic—why things happen. This means they can start to participate in problem-solving. “Throwing balls at people is not okay—It hurts. What are other ways you can use the ball?” “Two boys, one truck, what should we do?” The more children feel they are a part of the solution, the more likely they are to cooperate with it. Life is a series of problems to solve every day, so nurturing this skill in young children is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.
Indeed, children don’t come with manuals, at least not written ones. However, if you watch closely, listen carefully, and are tuned in to and open to what your children are telling you with their actions and words, and see them in the context of their development, unique temperament and life experiences, you will have most if not all the information you need to guide them in becoming awesome people and citizens of the world. At the very least I hope these guiding principles make parenting a little less stressful and a lot more joyful.