Dealing with Demanding Behavior

I have been talking to a lot of parents recently who are struggling with how to respond to demanding, dictatorial behavior. Think:

"Get me orange juice!"

"Put my shoes on!"

“Bring me my blanket!"

Most parents find demands like this from their kids infuriating, understandably. Their knee-jerk reaction goes something like this: "You can't talk to me that way! I won't get you anything when you use that tone." This seems totally logical, but it often backfires. When we respond with a negative (and often revved-up) tone, it tends to amplify children's negativity and make them more of a "fascist dictator" as many a parent has been known to describe their child.

As counterintuitive as it may seem, I find the most effective response is to take the following approach:

• In a quiet (not heat-of-the) moment, let your child know that you understand that his feelings are really big, and that when he wants something, he wants it right away. Sometimes that means that he demands that you get something or do something for him in a way that feels uncomfortable and is not respectful, which means that you can't help him. You explain that it is your job to teach him to communicate with people in ways that make them feel comfortable and want to help him. When he shouts and commands others to do things for him, it doesn't make the them want to be kind and help. (Use lots of drama to provide examples to lighten the mood and reduce defensiveness. "What would your teacher say if one of your classmates shouted at her, 'Get me my snack right now!'")

• Explain that since he knows how to ask for help nicely--because he's done that so many times (you want to point out and build on positive past experiences)--you will always give him a chance for a do-over, to make a correction. When he says something like, "Daddy, get my truck!", you'll simply say, "do-over." You might add the step of walking out of the room for a count of two seconds and come right back in. That provides a mini-break which can throw a monkey-wrench into the negative spiral and is a clear cue to start over, a "take 2". (A dad I worked with came up with this idea of leaving the room briefly. I learn so much from my families!)

• Role-play. I am finding this to be a very powerful tool for helping kids adapt to a new expectation. They find it amusing and at the same time get some practice with how a new approach is going to go. In this case, you cue your child to make a demand, and then pretend/dramatize your response exactly as described above. Then cue him to make his request in a polite way, and again, dramatize how you would respond when he is talking respectfully. This gives your child a preview of exactly what to expect. When the next incident occurs, he has some muscle-memory for how it feels to make a better choice. Parents also find it helpful to practice their new response. It makes it easier to implement in the heat of the triggering moment.

The beauty of this approach is that it communicates to your child that: 1) the way he communicated is unacceptable, without shaming him or getting reactive; and, 2) that you have confidence in him to make a better choice and will give him the chance to do that.